A common reason that people seek couple counselling is at the revelation of an affair.
The knee-jerk reaction is to ask the person who betrayed to leave and end it there, but many couples choose to try counselling first and see if healing may be possible. And yes couples can absolutely come back from affairs, but it does take work and it does require making some changes.
Trust is such an important foundation for a healthy relationship, and so rebuilding trust is crucial if the couple is to go forward after an affair. The pain of betrayal affects couples who practice ethical non-monogamy too, when agreed upon boundaries are transgressed feelings of pain, jealousy, shame, anger and sadness are natural. Sometimes there is also a feeling of relief, as the person who was betrayed realises that their intuition or ‘hunches’ were actually correct, and the person who betrayed can come clean and doesn’t have to keep up the exhausting process of lying.
When couples come to me for therapy after an affair has been revealed, there is a process that needs to take place over the next weeks and months.
Affairs don’t happen in isolation, and there may be things that the betrayed partner was doing before the affair that the person who betrayed may want to address.
But the first step is putting the focus on the person who was betrayed as it can be a massive shock to come to terms with all at once. They will need time to understand what has happened and to ask as many questions as they need,. However, I encourage the betrayed partner to be careful in their questioning. It’s totally understandable to want to know details, but once you know something you can’t ‘unknow’ it, and many people have been traumatised by images in their mind about what their partner has done behind their back.
So absolutely find out things like who, how often and where, but ask yourself, is it really helpful to know how the affair partner’s body compares to yours? Or which positions your partner most enjoyed with them?
Once you understand what has been happening, then it is really important to try not to pick at it like a scab that is trying to heal.
Instead of rehashing what happened over and over, if you want to move on and have a chance at continuing the relationship, the person who betrayed needs to share how and why the affair happened. It’s not always because the relationship was stagnant or that sex hadn’t been fulfilling in the primary relationship, there are many, many reasons people cheat. But the person who betrayed owes it to their partner to try and work out why it happened, if they decide they want to commit and continue as a couple.
This work of really dissecting why an affair happened and then choosing if both really want to stay together is powerful.
So many couples live on autopilot. Taking each other for granted but not putting in much effort. An affair can sometimes be a wonderful opportunity to live more intentionally, to prioritise the relationship, to rekindle a passionate sex life, to grow together rather than apart.
I often say to my clients that an affair can be a wound that festers and continues to infect their happiness, but if they choose to move forward together and commit to working on things, it can be a battle scar that is a symbol of their strength.
Tantric practitioners have a different understanding of Chakras than that of the new age system. Rather than seeing chakras as spiritual organs that open and close, chakras are understood as different levels of consciousness available to us as part of the human experience, and each person will have more or less activation at each level. Some of this is nature and nurture (what you were born with and how you were raised) and some of this can be influenced by how you live your life and what daily practices and disciplines you subscribe to.
Many of us have some activation on the first 3 chakras, particularly Muladhara the base, which is our sense of stability and security in the world. Many people have a lot of activation at the level of Svadhisthana; this level of consciousness has us grasping after pleasure, wanting to look a certain way to appeal to what others think and sucks us into whatever tastes sweet or is in fashion. Manipura the solar chakra is about power, confidence, discipline and will. It is the ability to delay immediate gratification for longterm gain and is also related to being able to surrender yourself to a higher ideal.
Most people in modern society have much more activation of Svadhisthana than Manipura, therefore when a person comes along with a strong activation at the level of Manipura; the rest of the people with lots of Svadhisthana are very drawn to follow them. Sadly, it is easy to think of many leaders who have taken advantage of this willingness to follow those with a strong arousal of Manipura and they lead with much disharmony, Tantric practitioners spend a lot of their daily practice building Manipura so that they are not easily led, so that they can stand strong against temptation and live by their values.
Anahata, the heart chakra, is even more rare. That is why someone like Jesus, who had a massive activation of the sacred heart stood out so dramatically from everyone else, and why his message (when distilled from the problems religion has caused) still has a positive influence on many people worldwide. Most of the rest of us have moments of heart activation, but we are largely dominated by the activation of the first 3 chakras, and also ‘live in our minds’ with some activation of Ajna chakra too.
Having more than a little activation of Vishuddha, the throat chakra is also uncommon. This chakra is about purity, gracefulness, refinement of the senses and the highest level of creativity. Svadhisthana gives us Walt Disney movies and pop music hits, while Vishuddha gave us the Sistine Chapel and Mozart.
A person with a strong activation at the level of Vishuddha finds it very difficult to be part of modern society. They are delicate and sensitive, it is like hearing fingernails down a blackboard when they are around people discuss anything besides Truth, Love or Spirituality.
These refined humans are drawn to monasteries and retreats, or you might find them at home painting, meditating or enjoying the stillness of nature.
So to talk about Vishuddha and relationships is difficult. If one person in a couple is awakened at this level, they will seek a lot of alone time. They will prefer to pray or mediate than sit and watch Netflix. Sexuality at this level is extremely rare, as the person with lots of activation here is more likely drawn to periods of celibacy. Although if this level is reached during love making, it is like communing with the angelic realm. It is a level of exquisite purity that takes you to states of consciousness beyond space and time to where knowledge begins and where worlds are born and destroyed.
If Vishuddha activation arises in one person in a relationship, communication is needed regarding how worldly needs and desires will be fulfilled, as the other party may feel lonely and unimportant. Meditating together, reading sacred poetry and being in nature together may help to sustain the connection between you, and these activities can also help to bring a deeper activation of Vishuddha to all of us.
To live a full and rich life, it’s wonderful to be able to access to all 7 levels of consciousness, and in a society that often values that which is crass and cheap some more refinement, purity and grace would not go astray..
Have you ever heard someone proudly proclaim they were stolen from, slandered or abused and “didn’t even get angry”. Or experienced a big hurt, relationship wound or a scary medical prognosis and give a spiritual cliche like “everything happens for a reason”. This is Spiritual Bypassing at work. Anger is an adaptive emotion, it’s the energy that gives rise to your powerful ‘NO! That’s not okay’. Bypassing that feeling by pretending you are ‘too spiritual to feel’ keeps you away from the freedom of the now. So too with pain, it’s okay to feel scared, hurt and alone sometimes. Humans are wired for connecting with others and to fear death. Pretending you don’t mind when these are compromised blocks you from the freedom that comes from experiencing deep pain and the true acceptance that lies on the other side.
2. Comparison
Determining your own worth based on how you stack up against others was an evolutionary mechanism motivating self-improvement. But in the world of instagram filters and Facebook posts- it leaves you feeling “less than” and “like you’ll never make it”. Freedom lies in knowing and living by your own unique values while celebrating your own and other’s success.
3. Numbing
Have you ever had a bad sunburn? You didn’t race home, take a really hot shower and scrub your skin with a loofah did you? Of course not, you avoided what you knew would cause more pain..
In the same way, when emotional pain arises- it’s tempting to numb it with food, alcohol or substances, scrolling social media or the myriad of other ways to dampen difficult feelings. Yet emotion is energy, once you’re aware of it, can experience and express it, it’s done. Numbing emotional pain leaves it unfinished to fester away. Freedom lies in going through, to the other side.
4. Conformity.
Doing what you think you ‘should’ do, or what someone (eg. school, parents, society) tells you that you ‘ought’ to do. Rather than that which has your soul doing a happy dance- is a direct path away from freedom.
With respect towards well-intentioned people that have your best interests at heart, sing your own song, dance your own dance and beat your own drum towards freedom.
5. Forgetting you are already free!
This is the cosmic joke and those who have had a spiritual awakening will have recognised the absurdity of the struggle. For Freedom is your very nature, and when you see the truth of this you will throw your head back and laugh at the sky.
That the unlimited reality has veiled itself into form of ‘you’. Has contracted into a limited sense of self that says “I Am” in order to experience itself rather than remain in formless, unbound, infinite freedom. Only to experience the joy of awakening to one’s true nature! As never seperate, never bound- only and ever free! Herein lies true Freedom.
Sahasrara the crown chakra is our connection to source. There is pure Oneness at this level, as it is without the duality that exists at the level of the other chakras. If we think of chakras as levels of consciousness, as has been proposed in this series of articles, then the level of consciousness of Sahasrara is the experience of being aligned with and at one with all. We experience this in some states of meditation, when personality and ego drop away, and people regularly experience this during Psychedelic Assisted Therapy with Psilocybin or LSD.
At this level of consciousness there is a sense of understanding the timeless nature of existence, beyond the current body or personality.
When someone is at that level of consciousness, there isn’t a need to know or explain what it means to exist beyond the body or for death to have no meaning. It’s an understanding without words, dogma or spiritual philosophy and is instead a direct experience, that once had- cannot be unknown or forgotton.
Other chakras are described as being more or less activated or aroused. An individual may have strong awakening of one chakra and not much on another. Sahasrara isn’t understood like this. We all are born, live our lives and then die with Sahasrara fully connected to source. We cannot turn that off or make that connection bigger or smaller, regardless of how much practice we do. The difference then between us and enlightened Masters is that they are fully conscious and aware and in continuous relationship with that source connection.
The invitation with Sahasrara is to tune into, recognise and dedicate time to honour the connection we all have. We could know it as Source, Universe, God, Goddess, Oneness, Void, Nirvana or a million other names. As soon as we try to name and describe we move back into the consciousness of Ajna in the mind- to know, Anahata the heart, to love and be in relationship with that, or Manipura the will, wanting to be right about it. Yet at the level of Sahasrara there is no separation and those concepts become meaningless. We ARE that.
Being in a human relationship when one or both people have a deep awareness of this level of reality can of course be blissful. Especially if both have tools to move into that connected space together. Couples that meditate together often report being psychically connected even when they are miles apart. If one person has the awareness of source through Sahasrara and the other doesn’t, it can feel lonely. Sahasrara is beyond personality and ego, so the person who spends a lot of time at that level of consciousness can be quite detached, uninterested in worldly affairs or responsibilities. This feels amazing to be around, there is a sense of ‘being high’, but when bills arrive to be paid, or deadlines and responsibilities inevitably role around, the person living in Sahasrara won’t help and this can cause enormous frustrations and ruptures in relationships.
Ideally to live our best possible lives and thrive in relationships, we need all the levels of consciousness represented by the chakras to be available.
We need the grounding and stamina that our root, Muladhara brings to feel safe and secure in the world. We need some of the sensual, juicy, lushness that Svadistana- the sexual chakra brings to help us stay creative and have fun. We need the will power, discipline and confidence that Manipura, the navel chakra brings to help us be assertive and successful. We need the love, compassion, curiosity and awe that Anahata the heart chakra brings to stay connected in life. We need the ability to connect with our voice and our truth that Vishuddha, the throat chakra brings. We need the mental clarity, focus and concentration that Ajna, the third eye chakra brings. If you have the capacity to act from these different levels of consciousness and move between them in response to the circumstances you find yourself in, you will be a highly content and successful human, your relationships with others will flourish and you will be able to move with ease between many situations and circumstances. Sahasrara is the cherry on the cake. The awareness that none of it really matters as there is ultimately nothing separate or outside of oneself is deeply healing and comforting. May all humans have the grace and blessing to experience and know this deeply. As you read this, may you be happy and healthy and well.
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