Can relationship counselling help recover from an affair

You say you really want a certain outcome in your life, maybe feeling fit and healthy, or waking earlier to meditate, perhaps you want an amazing relationship without arguments, or to stop yelling at your kids so much. You sincerely do want this- and put time and energy and money into getting them. Maybe you join the gym, plan healthy meals, do the meditation course or buy the special meditation cushion and maybe even go to counselling.

You have a voice in your head telling you ‘You should really try harder, do better.’ This voice drives you to change. Depending on what your family were like when you were a kid- the voice might be supportive, ‘Come on, I’ll feel better if I am fitter’, or it might be really mean ‘I’m an out of shape loser, no wonder I don’t have friends’.

Perhaps you do stick to those changes for a while. You work hard to speak nicely to your kids and not snap at your partner, or to eat well and exercise. And then a different voice starts- ‘I’ve been so good for the last few weeks, no harm in having a day off (exercise / eating well / meditating)’. Or ‘I’ve been so calm to my partner, and they are still not pulling their weight around the house- I’m going to let them have it’.

You slide back into your old ways, then the critical voice starts up again- “I should try harder”, ‘I’ll stick to it this time’. Or maybe your self-critic is meaner “I can never stick to anything” / “I have no discipline compared to my friends” (add name calling. Putting yourself down).

Then you try again- this time with even more ‘rules’ that you give to yourself. Perhaps you succeed for a while, then the other voice starts that wants you to take a break, not be so strict, and around and around you go.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model of Therapy calls this cycle a Polarity. The stronger the rule making, critical manager parts of your inner world get, the stronger the rule breaking, ‘take a break and relax’ parts, called ‘Firefighter parts’ of your inner system get. It’s like an inner fight, with one side winning for a while, then another side taking over and becoming even more controlling in response. It’s exhausting and confusing- Why do humans work against themselves so much?

IFS understands that all parts are trying to help you feel better or avoid pain. Critical parts want you to achieve, to feel better, to succeed. Firefighter parts want to help you relax, not stress and take a break. Luckily, they don’t have to just fight it out between them, because we all have at our deepest core- an authentic Self, that can lead us with compassion and clarity. This might be a surprise if you have been living from strict parts of you that have wanted to control your life. People that grew up in difficult situations may not have been safe to live as their true Self- and so their Self Energy remains buried while other parts try and manage life for them- but it is there nonetheless and can be rediscovered at any time.

When we learn to befriend our controlling manager parts- they can stop being so strict and critical, and instead help and motivate us with a friendly voice. And when we befriend our firefighter parts- they stop needing to be so extreme and provide us with balanced and fun ways to bring relaxation and playfulness into our lives.

Experience Internal Family Systems for yourself by booking a session with Ella for Individual Counselling, Ella also runs groups, supporting you to get to know and befriend different parts of you.

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A common reason that people seek couple counselling is at the revelation of an affair.

The knee-jerk reaction is to ask the person who betrayed to leave and end it there, but many couples choose to try counselling first and see if healing may be possible. And yes couples can absolutely come back from affairs, but it does take work and it does require making some changes.

Trust is such an important foundation for a healthy relationship, and so rebuilding trust is crucial if the couple is to go forward after an affair. The pain of betrayal affects couples who practice ethical non-monogamy too, when agreed upon boundaries are transgressed feelings of pain, jealousy, shame, anger and sadness are natural. Sometimes there is also a feeling of relief, as the person who was betrayed realises that their intuition or ‘hunches’ were actually correct, and the person who betrayed can come clean and doesn’t have to keep up the exhausting process of lying.

When couples come to me for therapy after an affair has been revealed, there is a process that needs to take place over the next weeks and months.

Affairs don’t happen in isolation, and there may be things that the betrayed partner was doing before the affair that the person who betrayed may want to address.

But the first step is putting the focus on the person who was betrayed as it can be a massive shock to come to terms with all at once. They will need time to understand what has happened and to ask as many questions as they need,. However, I encourage the betrayed partner to be careful in their questioning. It’s totally understandable to want to know details, but once you know something you can’t ‘unknow’ it, and many people have been traumatised by images in their mind about what their partner has done behind their back.

So absolutely find out things like who, how often and where, but ask yourself, is it really helpful to know how the affair partner’s body compares to yours? Or which positions your partner most enjoyed with them?

Once you understand what has been happening, then it is really important to try not to pick at it like a scab that is trying to heal.

Instead of rehashing what happened over and over, if you want to move on and have a chance at continuing the relationship, the person who betrayed needs to share how and why the affair happened. It’s not always because the relationship was stagnant or that sex hadn’t been fulfilling in the primary relationship, there are many, many reasons people cheat. But the person who betrayed owes it to their partner to try and work out why it happened, if they decide they want to commit and continue as a couple.

This work of really dissecting why an affair happened and then choosing if both really want to stay together is powerful.

 

So many couples live on autopilot. Taking each other for granted but not putting in much effort. An affair can sometimes be a wonderful opportunity to live more intentionally, to prioritise the relationship, to rekindle a passionate sex life, to grow together rather than apart.

 

I often say to my clients that an affair can be a wound that festers and continues to infect their happiness, but if they choose to move forward together and commit to working on things, it can be a battle scar that is a symbol of their strength.

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