Bringing Tantra into your Sex Life

You say you really want a certain outcome in your life, maybe feeling fit and healthy, or waking earlier to meditate, perhaps you want an amazing relationship without arguments, or to stop yelling at your kids so much. You sincerely do want this- and put time and energy and money into getting them. Maybe you join the gym, plan healthy meals, do the meditation course or buy the special meditation cushion and maybe even go to counselling.

You have a voice in your head telling you ‘You should really try harder, do better.’ This voice drives you to change. Depending on what your family were like when you were a kid- the voice might be supportive, ‘Come on, I’ll feel better if I am fitter’, or it might be really mean ‘I’m an out of shape loser, no wonder I don’t have friends’.

Perhaps you do stick to those changes for a while. You work hard to speak nicely to your kids and not snap at your partner, or to eat well and exercise. And then a different voice starts- ‘I’ve been so good for the last few weeks, no harm in having a day off (exercise / eating well / meditating)’. Or ‘I’ve been so calm to my partner, and they are still not pulling their weight around the house- I’m going to let them have it’.

You slide back into your old ways, then the critical voice starts up again- “I should try harder”, ‘I’ll stick to it this time’. Or maybe your self-critic is meaner “I can never stick to anything” / “I have no discipline compared to my friends” (add name calling. Putting yourself down).

Then you try again- this time with even more ‘rules’ that you give to yourself. Perhaps you succeed for a while, then the other voice starts that wants you to take a break, not be so strict, and around and around you go.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model of Therapy calls this cycle a Polarity. The stronger the rule making, critical manager parts of your inner world get, the stronger the rule breaking, ‘take a break and relax’ parts, called ‘Firefighter parts’ of your inner system get. It’s like an inner fight, with one side winning for a while, then another side taking over and becoming even more controlling in response. It’s exhausting and confusing- Why do humans work against themselves so much?

IFS understands that all parts are trying to help you feel better or avoid pain. Critical parts want you to achieve, to feel better, to succeed. Firefighter parts want to help you relax, not stress and take a break. Luckily, they don’t have to just fight it out between them, because we all have at our deepest core- an authentic Self, that can lead us with compassion and clarity. This might be a surprise if you have been living from strict parts of you that have wanted to control your life. People that grew up in difficult situations may not have been safe to live as their true Self- and so their Self Energy remains buried while other parts try and manage life for them- but it is there nonetheless and can be rediscovered at any time.

When we learn to befriend our controlling manager parts- they can stop being so strict and critical, and instead help and motivate us with a friendly voice. And when we befriend our firefighter parts- they stop needing to be so extreme and provide us with balanced and fun ways to bring relaxation and playfulness into our lives.

Experience Internal Family Systems for yourself by booking a session with Ella for Individual Counselling, Ella also runs groups, supporting you to get to know and befriend different parts of you.

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  Tantra is a ritual that each person comes to with intention.

Tantra (not the ancient yogic spirituality, but what is know as ‘neo-tantra / new tantra) is a practice of making sex sacred. Instead of focusing on arousal or orgasms, the focus is on connection, mindfulness and the movement of energy.

Set aside a time for Tantric sex in advance. Set the space beautifully. Play some music. Burn incense or oils. Prepare some fruit.

Sit facing each other cross legged. Hold Hands and hold gentle eye contact for 3 minutes before moving into sexual interactions. While sitting, you may want to set an intention for your ritual. Eg. ‘To express my love for you’. ‘To open our hearts’. ‘To feel energy moving through my body’. Don’t overthink it-become sexually intimate in ways that feel good to you both.

Become very present to the information coming through the 5 senses of touch, smell,taste, sight, sound and taste. Be as ‘one’ with the moment as you can. If you get distracted into thinking, come back to the body through the senses. You may feel orgasm building. When this happens, do not clench the body. Instead, undulate and move the body, following the sensations around the body with awareness. Do not try to ‘push out’ an orgasm. Relax and keep feeling and letting sensations flow.

You might like to imagine energy moving from your heart, down to your genitals.

Imagine the loving energy moving from your partners genitals and flowing up into your heart. Send it back out of your heart into your partner’s heart, down to their genitals and back up into your heart. Continue focusing on this cycle for as long as you like.

You can also imagine the flow of energy in the other direction. Imagine sending loving energy out of your genitals, into your partners genitals, up into your partner’s heart. Recieve this loving energy into your heart, and feel it flow down to your genitals and back out again. Focus on this cycle for as long as you like. Penetrative sex is not needed for this visualisation. It is a powerful visualisation from Taoist Tantra.

Once the session comes to a natural stillness, stay connected in whatever way makes sense for you. Imagine that beautiful spiritual energy, or love is flowing through you.

You can imagine sending this to each other’s hearts. Or you can focus on your intention again for a few moments. Hold each other’s gaze again to finish and ‘honour’ each other in some way.

If you would like more exercises and practices, I have created an online course that is full of exercises to try, details below.

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