You like the idea, you have enjoyed sex in the past, but something has changed. Maybe you’ve googled ‘how to get your libido back’ and ‘where has my desire gone’. Your partner is patient but sad that you don’t feel like sex anymore. Perhaps they get frustrated with you sometimes, which pushes you even further away. Perhaps they have felt rejected and have given up trying to initiate sex, but in doing so have somehow stopped being as loving and attentive as they used to be.

Some combination of the above is the concern of many people of all ages, genders and sexualities who have sat on my counselling couch and asked for help. Some even tell me they feel broken and just want to know how to ‘fix their libido’.

It’s certainly a good idea to have a health screen with your GP if you experience sudden changes in sexual interest, to rule out a physical causality- however regardless of health and hormones, sexual wellbeing is possible in most circumstances.

Of course some people are a-sexual- they are happy not to have sex. Some a-sexual people will have sex because it’s important to a partner, or still masturbate for sexual release, but are not personally motivated for partnered sex, if you are a-sexual the below may or may not relate to your experience. There is no inherent reason to have sex unless you want to. And no-one should have sex unless they want to.

The good news is that you don’t need to feel overcome with arousal to have a healthy sex life. Many people expect that they will have ‘Spontaneous Desire’ for their whole lives- influenced by movies where people rip each other’s clothes off. Early in a relationship desire is more spontaneous. You feel sexual interest and arousal without any external stimuli or context, so you initiate sexual intimacy with your partner and then you have sex. This type of desire starts with arousal (sexual feelings) then moves to desire (wanting to engage in sexual activity). Many people have spontaneous desire throughout their lifespan, but more often than not- people in long term relationships, especially woman (who have been socialised to take on more of the emotional and mental load of the household), have what is called ‘Responsive Desire’.

Responsive desire is where you need a certain context and an outside stimulus to respond sexually. You may or may not have moments of sexual interest as you go about your life, but too many other things get in the way of pursuing sex or feeling able to say ‘yes’ when a partner initiates. Those other things will be discussed in further detail below, but for example- feeling tired, too many things on your ‘to do list’ and feeling stressed. There can still be a ‘wanting to want’ sex. If you can create the right context, and find motivation other than feeling aroused, such as knowing it brings you closer to your partner, knowing it feels good, wanting to share and show love and make your partner feel good- then once you start being sexual- you know your body will respond with arousal. This type of sexual desire starts with desire (wanting to be sexual) and then moves to arousal (sexual feelings) once the right context is available.

Neither Spontaneous Desire nor Responsive Desire is better or worse, both are totally normal and natural.

Creating the right context: ‘The Brakes’.
It doesn’t matter how much you rev the engine of a car, if the brakes are jammed on- it’s going to have trouble. The same with sexual desire, releasing the brakes to sexual intimacy is the first step. Brakes can be many things, such as;
Partner related: they have been grumpy or inattentive. They are pressuring you to be sexual or they don’t pressure you- but you feel obligated. They have not kept up personal grooming / hygiene.
Self-related: shame around sex. Poor body image. Lacking skills to ask for what you like- so have not had great sexual experiences. Challenges with orgasms. Painful sex. Trauma (sexual or otherwise) that keeps you in a state of fight or flight. Energy levels. Health and disabilities.
Life related: kids or housemates in the house. Bedroom / house cluttered and full of mess. A big to-do list for tomorrow.
Mental Health related: worried about getting enough sleep. Feeling stressed or depressed. Medications for mental health.
Relationship related: feeling that the partner only shows interest related to sex. Feeling resentful of the partner’s contribution to the household. Feeling unappreciated. Other relationship issues.

Work on the brakes:
Discuss any of the relevant brakes with your partner and work together to address them. Plan when you would like to be sexual (you don’t have to tell your partner if they have spontaneous desire). That way you can remember your motivation for partnered sex, make a conscious effort to remove any brakes, and set yourself up for success.

Creating the right context: the accelerators
Once the brakes are out of the way, it can be helpful to consider what accelerates your desire and arousal. Sometimes the simplest things such as putting on music, creating soft lighting, wearing something that makes you feel sexy or starting with a massage can accelerate desire. Learning your favourite erotic energy, or trying a new one is a fun way to think about your erotic energy. Read the Erotic Energy Blog

What do you like?
If something feels good and brings us pleasure- we are likely to be interested in doing it again. The only way to have sex that feels good, is to be able to communicate your likes and dislikes, whether that is verbally or non-verbally.
But what if you don’t quite know how you like to be touched? You might consider trying the OMGYes program (I have no affiliation or commission from them). It was created from interviews with over 1000 women, who were asked about sexual pleasure and techniques they used to increase pleasure. From these varied reports, they created themes, and the www.omgyes.com program gives written information, spoken experiences and then (with warning) you can click to see different people touch themselves in ways they find pleasurable, the app version even has a vulva that you can try the moves on- and it moves under your fingers- so cool!
A follow-up study asked 870 women to use the program for 4 weeks and measured how useful they found it: Read the efficacy of OMG yes study here. 

The concepts in this article include the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, which explains how the sexual response system has inhibitors (brakes) and exciters (accelerators). Some people have more sensitive brakes- it doesn’t take much at all to be a ‘no’ to a sexual experience. And some people have more sensitive accelerators, they don’t need much encouragement to be a ‘yes’ to a sexual experience. This model
was developed by former Kinsey Institute director Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Janssen in the late 1990s. The understanding of spontaneous versus responsive desire was primarily developed by sex therapist Dr Rosemary Basson.
These two models have been made famous through the wonderful book ‘Come As You Are’ by Emily Nagoski. A must read for everyone with a vulva and people who have sex with them.

How do you usually express yourself sexually?
We each have a ‘go to’ sexual energy that will feel most natural and comfortable,  (unless you are a-sexual) this is part of your erotic template, the things that get you in the mood and the things that feel sexy to you. If your erotic template differs from your partner’s or lover’s, you may experience a lack of satisfaction, but having a different style doesn’t have to be an incompatibility, if you can bring elements of each- sexual interactions can stay inspiring.
Perhaps if sex has started to feel a bit ‘same same’ or stagnant, you could explore one of the other energies and bring some of that energy into the interaction.

Have a look at the list below and see if you can find your ‘home base’.

For many of the erotic energies below- it is good to choose a safe word and gesture that indicates that a limit has been reached beforehand. Why not just say ‘stop’? Sometimes playing with a submissive energy, it’s fun to say ‘no, stop, I can’t take it anymore’ as part of the play- not really wanting the partner playing with a teasing or dominating energy to stop. All this MUST be pre arranged so that it is safe and fun for all involved.

The word ‘partner’ is used below- and refers to whoever you are sexually interacting with, for more sexually adventurous readers, it may mean ‘partners’.

If you are not currently being sexual with anyone, it is possible to bring some of these energies into your life and your self pleasure, be creative.

Sexual interaction means any erotic play that you are engaged in that evokes arousal. It could involve genitals but it might not, it might involve some kind of penetration, but it doesn’t have to. Orgasms may happen in a sexual interaction or they may not. It might be quite vanilla (why add anything else if you don’t need to), or it might be quite kinky and unusual – you do you!

Romantic:
Expressing love and care for a specific person. The moment is about your partner and you and the value of the relationship. Sex is a way to share love, this type of erotic energy might involve lots of eye contact, slow kissing, saying loving things to each other. You might bring in music, soft lighting and nice scents to enhance the mood.
Tantric:
This erotic energy is about meeting a partner spiritually. A focus is on the energy running in your body and moving through you and your partner as physical boundaries dissolve and you feel like you are at one with each other and the universe itself. To bring tantric erotic energy you might start with a meditation before moving to sexual interaction or engaged in a breathing practice to move energy between you during the sexual experience. Learn more about Tantric lovemaking in this blog: https://ellashannon.com/bringing-tantra-into-your-sex-life/
Submissive:
Letting go and allowing your partner to lead, being guided and giving yourself over to another is the bliss of the submissive. Many people find a deep relaxation and freedom through moving into a submissive role. They release responsibilities of everyday life of having to make choices and lead and can surrender themselves to be totally taken over by a trusted other. This is an energy that requires a prior discussion- in order for a power dynamic to be consensual. Please read this blog on consent first.
Forceful:
Being forceful, wrestling together, moving with vigour and energy but also with enough finesse- so as not to hurt one another. Lovingly powerful and passionate. This erotic energy takes good communication and some skill to ensure that force is yielded in a way that ensures there is no injury. Please read this blog on consent.
Seductive:
Playing with the energy of desire, magnetising your partner to draw them towards you. Perhaps through dressing up or writing sexy messages or whispering the delightful things you would like to do. To be seduced is to feel someone wanting and desiring you in a way that you cannot resist and can make you feel very special and wanted. In a long-term relationship, you no longer need to seduce your partner, you can often just ask for sex- but bringing some seduction into initiation can make your partner feel really desired, wanted and special.
Worshipful:
All the attention is on the partner with devotion and adoration, making them feel like they are royalty or a divine being. Treating them like every part of them is divine and you are their loyal servant. The worshipful energy is to move into a state of service- attending to every need of the partner’s pleasure. This can be hard to receive for some people, just to allow yourself to be pampered with no expectation of return. Being able to let go and enjoy this can bring up difficult feelings. If you have a hard time receiving, you might like to practice the intimacy game at the end of this blog:
https://ellashannon.com/help-were-not-having-sex/
Dominant:
This erotic energy requires the dominant to tune in deeply to their partner to overpower in a way that the partner relaxes into submission. To be trusted, to guide, to initiate and lead in a loving, firm way can be very empowering for the dominant. This is an erotic energy that requires discussion beforehand, so that the dominant knows the limits of where to take their partner, what the partner does and doesn’t want and their likes and desires, so they can take charge in a way that is pleasurable, safe and enjoyable for the partner. Please read this blog on express consent first.
Wicked:
The sexy villain; dark and evil without harm. The wicked erotic energy might enjoy restraining a partner, watching them struggle and squeal (in delight). Or perhaps bringing a role play of a sexy monster, samurai or mean school teacher with their ‘victim’. (As always- willing and pre-discussed in detail). If you like this erotic energy, you are not the only one! Check out this list from buzzfeed: https://www.buzzfeed.com/kimberleymolden/25-hottest-action-movie-villains
Teasing:
Building up desire then denying it playfully, you like to see your partner beg for more, building up anticipation. You are the boss and you arouse your partner, then toy with that arousal- keeping them in a state of longing and wanting. One well known teasing technique is edging- bringing your partner to the point of almost orgasming and then backing off, then building again until orgasm is desired or allowed. If orgasms are part of your sexual interaction, it can bring a more powerful orgasm. Pleasure mechanics talk about Erotic Teasing here: https://www.pleasuremechanics.com/teasing/
Playful:
Sex is an area where adults can really play. Being silly and fun, full of curiosity and spontaneity. Giggles and exploration, having a good time and not taking yourself too seriously. To bring more playful erotic energy, you could try changing location, using different types of touch and following whatever feels joyful.
Primal:
Unleash the beast! No more being polite- in this erotic energy you let taboo fall away, growling as you ravish your partner with urgency. I always tell clients that those scenes in movies where the couple can hardly make it inside to rip each other’s clothes off is bullshit, that rarely happens in real life. However- if you CHOOSE to bring in a primal energy, you can evoke this energy of ravishing and urgency. 
Nurturing:
To be cared for tenderly and lovingly, the non-sexual soothing that people with good enough parents received as a little child feels nice for adults too, it’s no surprise that a common term of endearment is ‘baby’ and ‘babe’. Receiving caresses, being looked after, being held. Some kinky people even roleplay being the child or baby while their partner nurtures them lovingly. This is the erotic energy that is most important after a sexual interaction, particularly if you have moved to an erotic energy that involves any kind of power dynamic play or an erotic energy that is not your ‘usual’.
After Care:
The time after a sexual interaction is potent with potential to increase feelings of closeness and connection. If you just jump up to shower straight away or go straight to sleep or about your day- you miss a special opportunity. This is the moment to bring in nurturing energy and tend to your partner. If you have played with an erotic energy that is new, or there was any kind of power dynamic play during the sexual encounter, the more submissive person will need extra care and tending to, find out what they need.