Rather than being one fixed personality, what if you were made up of lots of different parts? Like subpersonalities inside of you, your own inner family. Most of us relate to this quite intuitively- for example, maybe a part of you loves going to work, being successful and gets meaning from that. Another part of you hates going to work, and much prefers to veg out on the couch. Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps us to understand that being multiple is the natural human experience. We are born with parts, and we also born with a core Self- that is curious, connected, compassionate- who you are when there are no problems to solve.
To learn more about IFS, click here.
IFS teaches that parts take on roles to avoid pain, they can get extreme and cause us suffering, but ultimately they care about us and want us to be happy and safe. Healing is via getting to know parts and understanding their good intentions, rather than fighting with parts and banishing them.
Common parts:
Protective parts that try to avoid pain by managing and controling life- they do this through roles such as perfectionism, worrying, people pleasing, overthinking, organising, planning, self-critic, care taking, controlling, complaining, planning, rule enforcing, achieving, learning, skepticism etc. They can get intense- they take their job very seriously- they say ‘never again will I feel that pain’.
Reactive parts that help to reduce pain once it’s felt. These parts numb, avoid, distract, distance, fight, fix, run. They do this through things like lashing out at others, engaging in distracting behaviours such as social media, porn, affairs, shoppping. They numb through drugs, alcohol, dissociation, self harm. They don’t worry about the damage they cause, they do whatever it takes to stop the pain. IFS calls these parts ‘FireFighters’.
Young Parts that hold the pain. No matter how ‘perfect’ your childhood, you had times of feeling sad, bad, ashamed, scared and blamed as a kid. If we are supported in these times, we move through it without a problem. But when we experience these moments and don’t have the resources to cope (regardless of how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the experience was), we have to exile the pain away- so that we can get on with life and survive. These ‘exile parts’ are usually young, and are sent to the metaphorical basement of our psyche- with the door held firmly shut- so that we are not flooded with emotion that we can’t cope with. It is the job of our manager parts to make sure the door stays locked, and if any pain leaks out- it is our FireFighter parts that lock the exiles back up again.
Just like many families- it is common for parts to be in conflict- they can have different concerns, fears and hopes. Usually when we get to know them, we see that they all have a similar goal- usually they are just trying to help you feel seen, safe, soothed, secure and loved.
A journal exercise to get to know a part.
If you are feeling upset, activated or triggered in any way- you know that a part is acting on your behalf. IFS calls this ‘getting blended with a part’.
Take 2 different coloured pens- write the questions below in one colour, and move to the other colour to answer. See if you can let the part answer for itself as you write- rather than from an intellectual or ‘working out part’. Just see what comes.
Try to ask the questions from a space of open curiousity. If there is another part that is critical, angry or unwelcoming to the part you are getting to know- see if they can relax back a bit. If not- perhaps that part needs some time with you first.
1. Hello part of me that (does the thing) eg. gets angry, is anxious, is pushing my partner away.
2. How would you like to be referred to, do you have a name?
3. What sort of situations or moments do you usually show up in?
4. What feelings are going on when you take over?
5. What sort of things do you say to me?
6. What do you do to my body?
7. What do you most want for me?
8. What do you wish I knew about you?
9. What do you need from me?
When all questions have been answered, place a hand on the body- where it feels right- and if possible, thank the part for sharing with you.
If you are enjoying getting to know parts, or are curious to go deeper, feel free to book a session with Ella to explore more.