“You never try to understand my feelings”

“I just don’t feel heard”

“You don’t seem to show interest in me!”

If any of the above sound familiar, your partner is seeking more emotional connection. This is something you can learn, it’s about validating your partner’s feelings and maintaining genuine curiosity about their inner experience. They are not wanting you to fix, find solutions or give advice, they just want to feel that you have heard and understood and are there for them. If you find yourself always wanting to fix or feel the need to try and stop your partner being upset, click to read THIS blog.

The below list includes the sort of things that counsellors are taught in order to validate their client’s feelings. Of course you are not trying to be a therapist to your partner, but learning to stay with and validate what your partner is sharing is a wonderful skill for deepening connection.

Try a few out, even if you feel awkward and unnatural. The first part of the list is to validate your partner’s feelings, the second part is ideas to show interest in general, and to deepen intimate conversation.

One strategy that I encourage clients to practice is to take 10 minutes every day, no phones or other distractions, and share one highlight and one lowlight with each other. Try to share the feelings that came with these, you can refer to this wonderful feelings wheel to enhance your emotional literacy: feelings wheel.

Then use the below questions to practice validating your partner and to encourage them to share more.

💬 Curiosity

• How are you doing with that?

• What’s been the hardest part?

• What’s that like for you right now?

• How are you feeling about it all?

• What do you need most from me here?

• What’s standing out for you the most?

• How are you holding up with it?

• What feels most important about this to you?

• How are you making sense of it?

• What’s been helping you get through it?

🌟 Strengths & Care

• You’ve been handling so much.

• I can see how hard you’re trying.

• You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

• I love how much you care.

• I know this isn’t easy, and you’re still showing up.

• I’m proud of how you’ve handled it.

• I see how much effort you’ve put in.

• It takes a lot of courage to talk about this.

• I notice how much thought you’ve given this.

• I really admire the way you’re working through this.

Feelings & Reactions

• How did that feel for you?

• What was going through your head at the time?

• What part was the hardest?

• What felt good about it?

• What surprised you the most?

• What made it tricky?

• How are you feeling about it now?

• What was the best part?

• What got under your skin about it?

• What felt important to you in that?

Connection & Relationships

• How did other people react?

• What did you wish I’d done in that moment?

• Who do you think understood you best?

• How did it feel sharing that with me?

• Who did you want to tell first?

• What kind of support felt best?

• What kind of response would have helped more?

• How did it affect the way you see us?

• What do you wish people knew about it?

• Who was most helpful through it?

You like the idea, you have enjoyed sex in the past, but something has changed. Maybe you’ve googled ‘how to get your libido back’ and ‘where has my desire gone’. Your partner is patient but sad that you don’t feel like sex anymore. Perhaps they get frustrated with you sometimes, which pushes you even further away. Perhaps they have felt rejected and have given up trying to initiate sex, but in doing so have somehow stopped being as loving and attentive as they used to be.

Some combination of the above is the concern of many people of all ages, genders and sexualities who have sat on my counselling couch and asked for help. Some even tell me they feel broken and just want to know how to ‘fix their libido’.

It’s certainly a good idea to have a health screen with your GP if you experience sudden changes in sexual interest, to rule out a physical causality- however regardless of health and hormones, sexual wellbeing is possible in most circumstances.

Of course some people are a-sexual- they are happy not to have sex. Some a-sexual people will have sex because it’s important to a partner, or still masturbate for sexual release, but are not personally motivated for partnered sex, if you are a-sexual the below may or may not relate to your experience. There is no inherent reason to have sex unless you want to. And no-one should have sex unless they want to.

The good news is that you don’t need to feel overcome with arousal to have a healthy sex life. Many people expect that they will have ‘Spontaneous Desire’ for their whole lives- influenced by movies where people rip each other’s clothes off. Early in a relationship desire is more spontaneous. You feel sexual interest and arousal without any external stimuli or context, so you initiate sexual intimacy with your partner and then you have sex. This type of desire starts with arousal (sexual feelings) then moves to desire (wanting to engage in sexual activity). Many people have spontaneous desire throughout their lifespan, but more often than not- people in long term relationships, especially woman (who have been socialised to take on more of the emotional and mental load of the household), have what is called ‘Responsive Desire’.

Responsive desire is where you need a certain context and an outside stimulus to respond sexually. You may or may not have moments of sexual interest as you go about your life, but too many other things get in the way of pursuing sex or feeling able to say ‘yes’ when a partner initiates. Those other things will be discussed in further detail below, but for example- feeling tired, too many things on your ‘to do list’ and feeling stressed. There can still be a ‘wanting to want’ sex. If you can create the right context, and find motivation other than feeling aroused, such as knowing it brings you closer to your partner, knowing it feels good, wanting to share and show love and make your partner feel good- then once you start being sexual- you know your body will respond with arousal. This type of sexual desire starts with desire (wanting to be sexual) and then moves to arousal (sexual feelings) once the right context is available.

Neither Spontaneous Desire nor Responsive Desire is better or worse, both are totally normal and natural.

Creating the right context: ‘The Brakes’.
It doesn’t matter how much you rev the engine of a car, if the brakes are jammed on- it’s going to have trouble. The same with sexual desire, releasing the brakes to sexual intimacy is the first step. Brakes can be many things, such as;
Partner related: they have been grumpy or inattentive. They are pressuring you to be sexual or they don’t pressure you- but you feel obligated. They have not kept up personal grooming / hygiene.
Self-related: shame around sex. Poor body image. Lacking skills to ask for what you like- so have not had great sexual experiences. Challenges with orgasms. Painful sex. Trauma (sexual or otherwise) that keeps you in a state of fight or flight. Energy levels. Health and disabilities.
Life related: kids or housemates in the house. Bedroom / house cluttered and full of mess. A big to-do list for tomorrow.
Mental Health related: worried about getting enough sleep. Feeling stressed or depressed. Medications for mental health.
Relationship related: feeling that the partner only shows interest related to sex. Feeling resentful of the partner’s contribution to the household. Feeling unappreciated. Other relationship issues.

Work on the brakes:
Discuss any of the relevant brakes with your partner and work together to address them. Plan when you would like to be sexual (you don’t have to tell your partner if they have spontaneous desire). That way you can remember your motivation for partnered sex, make a conscious effort to remove any brakes, and set yourself up for success.

Creating the right context: the accelerators
Once the brakes are out of the way, it can be helpful to consider what accelerates your desire and arousal. Sometimes the simplest things such as putting on music, creating soft lighting, wearing something that makes you feel sexy or starting with a massage can accelerate desire. Learning your favourite erotic energy, or trying a new one is a fun way to think about your erotic energy. Read the Erotic Energy Blog

What do you like?
If something feels good and brings us pleasure- we are likely to be interested in doing it again. The only way to have sex that feels good, is to be able to communicate your likes and dislikes, whether that is verbally or non-verbally.
But what if you don’t quite know how you like to be touched? If you have a vulva / vagina; you might consider trying the OMGYes program (I have no affiliation or commission from them). It was created from interviews with over 1000 women, who were asked about sexual pleasure and techniques they used to increase pleasure. From these varied reports, they created themes, and the www.omgyes.com program gives written information, spoken experiences and then (with warning) you can click to see different people touch themselves in ways they find pleasurable, the app version even has a vulva that you can try the moves on- and it moves under your fingers- so cool!
A follow-up study asked 870 women to use the program for 4 weeks and measured how useful they found it: Read the efficacy of OMG yes study here. 

The concepts in this article include the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, which explains how the sexual response system has inhibitors (brakes) and exciters (accelerators). Some people have more sensitive brakes- it doesn’t take much at all to be a ‘no’ to a sexual experience. And some people have more sensitive accelerators, they don’t need much encouragement to be a ‘yes’ to a sexual experience. This model
was developed by former Kinsey Institute director Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Janssen in the late 1990s. The understanding of spontaneous versus responsive desire was primarily developed by sex therapist Dr Rosemary Basson.
These two models have been made famous through the wonderful book ‘Come As You Are’ by Emily Nagoski. A must read for everyone with a vulva and people who have sex with them.