Why scheduling sex is a great idea

You say you really want a certain outcome in your life, maybe feeling fit and healthy, or waking earlier to meditate, perhaps you want an amazing relationship without arguments, or to stop yelling at your kids so much. You sincerely do want this- and put time and energy and money into getting them. Maybe you join the gym, plan healthy meals, do the meditation course or buy the special meditation cushion and maybe even go to counselling.

You have a voice in your head telling you ‘You should really try harder, do better.’ This voice drives you to change. Depending on what your family were like when you were a kid- the voice might be supportive, ‘Come on, I’ll feel better if I am fitter’, or it might be really mean ‘I’m an out of shape loser, no wonder I don’t have friends’.

Perhaps you do stick to those changes for a while. You work hard to speak nicely to your kids and not snap at your partner, or to eat well and exercise. And then a different voice starts- ‘I’ve been so good for the last few weeks, no harm in having a day off (exercise / eating well / meditating)’. Or ‘I’ve been so calm to my partner, and they are still not pulling their weight around the house- I’m going to let them have it’.

You slide back into your old ways, then the critical voice starts up again- “I should try harder”, ‘I’ll stick to it this time’. Or maybe your self-critic is meaner “I can never stick to anything” / “I have no discipline compared to my friends” (add name calling. Putting yourself down).

Then you try again- this time with even more ‘rules’ that you give to yourself. Perhaps you succeed for a while, then the other voice starts that wants you to take a break, not be so strict, and around and around you go.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model of Therapy calls this cycle a Polarity. The stronger the rule making, critical manager parts of your inner world get, the stronger the rule breaking, ‘take a break and relax’ parts, called ‘Firefighter parts’ of your inner system get. It’s like an inner fight, with one side winning for a while, then another side taking over and becoming even more controlling in response. It’s exhausting and confusing- Why do humans work against themselves so much?

IFS understands that all parts are trying to help you feel better or avoid pain. Critical parts want you to achieve, to feel better, to succeed. Firefighter parts want to help you relax, not stress and take a break. Luckily, they don’t have to just fight it out between them, because we all have at our deepest core- an authentic Self, that can lead us with compassion and clarity. This might be a surprise if you have been living from strict parts of you that have wanted to control your life. People that grew up in difficult situations may not have been safe to live as their true Self- and so their Self Energy remains buried while other parts try and manage life for them- but it is there nonetheless and can be rediscovered at any time.

When we learn to befriend our controlling manager parts- they can stop being so strict and critical, and instead help and motivate us with a friendly voice. And when we befriend our firefighter parts- they stop needing to be so extreme and provide us with balanced and fun ways to bring relaxation and playfulness into our lives.

Experience Internal Family Systems for yourself by booking a session with Ella for Individual Counselling, Ella also runs groups, supporting you to get to know and befriend different parts of you.

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Many people think scheduling sex sounds boring and makes it dull, however scheduling sex can have enormous benefits.

Sex often happens late at night when both are in bed at the end of the day. This can be lovely and orgasms can promote a lovely restful night’s sleep, but that time is not always conducive to being present, connected and engaged.

Many couples attend sex therapy with me complaining that they have less sex than they would like to be having.

They say that life gets in the way, kids are prone to interrupt and they are just too tired to fit it in.

During a session of sex therapy, barriers to more and better quality sex are explored, and these will be as unique as each couple that attends counselling, but a good tip is to schedule some time for sex each week.

Having this special time put aside means that you can prepare mentally and emotionally for intimacy. It can build sexual desire as you look forward to this time. It can take the pressure off one person having to initiate and then exposing themselves to possible rejection.

Scheduling sex also gives your partner the message that they are important and are a priority.

Couples I work with in sex therapy and relationship counselling sometimes have lost some of their spark and want some help to rekindle romance and sexual chemistry again. Scheduling sex can be a surprising way to do this.

During these ‘sex dates’, couples might bring a different game to play, such as a sexual communication game, or set up a certain role play or scene that sounds exciting. Different sexual energies such as playful, flirty, dominating or submissive can be brought in through intention, by wearing certain clothes or by bringing in certain objects. Couples might like to use this time to bring in some elements of Tantric Sex, such as starting with a short meditation, including more eye contact during the session and moving energy around their bodies during the love making. Other couples might be more drawn to explore a kinkier side, incorporating some impact play, role play or consensual power dynamics that can be eroticised.

Sometimes you might find that at the agreed time, one of you is feeling too tired, drained or just not available for sexual interaction for whatever reason. The invitation here is to still commit to the time together. Instead of sexual interactions, cuddle, stroke each other and talk.

Really dedicating yourselves to some sexy couple time like this will do wonders for your relationship, your health and your lives. Why not try it for a month and see?

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