Arguments happening often? Try this.
You say you really want a certain outcome in your life, maybe feeling fit and healthy, or waking earlier to meditate, perhaps you want an amazing relationship without arguments, or to stop yelling at your kids so much. You sincerely do want this- and put time and energy and money into getting them. Maybe you join the gym, plan healthy meals, do the meditation course or buy the special meditation cushion and maybe even go to counselling.
You have a voice in your head telling you ‘You should really try harder, do better.’ This voice drives you to change. Depending on what your family were like when you were a kid- the voice might be supportive, ‘Come on, I’ll feel better if I am fitter’, or it might be really mean ‘I’m an out of shape loser, no wonder I don’t have friends’.
Perhaps you do stick to those changes for a while. You work hard to speak nicely to your kids and not snap at your partner, or to eat well and exercise. And then a different voice starts- ‘I’ve been so good for the last few weeks, no harm in having a day off (exercise / eating well / meditating)’. Or ‘I’ve been so calm to my partner, and they are still not pulling their weight around the house- I’m going to let them have it’.
You slide back into your old ways, then the critical voice starts up again- “I should try harder”, ‘I’ll stick to it this time’. Or maybe your self-critic is meaner “I can never stick to anything” / “I have no discipline compared to my friends” (add name calling. Putting yourself down).
Then you try again- this time with even more ‘rules’ that you give to yourself. Perhaps you succeed for a while, then the other voice starts that wants you to take a break, not be so strict, and around and around you go.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model of Therapy calls this cycle a Polarity. The stronger the rule making, critical manager parts of your inner world get, the stronger the rule breaking, ‘take a break and relax’ parts, called ‘Firefighter parts’ of your inner system get. It’s like an inner fight, with one side winning for a while, then another side taking over and becoming even more controlling in response. It’s exhausting and confusing- Why do humans work against themselves so much?
IFS understands that all parts are trying to help you feel better or avoid pain. Critical parts want you to achieve, to feel better, to succeed. Firefighter parts want to help you relax, not stress and take a break. Luckily, they don’t have to just fight it out between them, because we all have at our deepest core- an authentic Self, that can lead us with compassion and clarity. This might be a surprise if you have been living from strict parts of you that have wanted to control your life. People that grew up in difficult situations may not have been safe to live as their true Self- and so their Self Energy remains buried while other parts try and manage life for them- but it is there nonetheless and can be rediscovered at any time.
When we learn to befriend our controlling manager parts- they can stop being so strict and critical, and instead help and motivate us with a friendly voice. And when we befriend our firefighter parts- they stop needing to be so extreme and provide us with balanced and fun ways to bring relaxation and playfulness into our lives.
Experience Internal Family Systems for yourself by booking a session with Ella for Individual Counselling, Ella also runs groups, supporting you to get to know and befriend different parts of you.
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Couples often seek relationship counselling because they are having lots of arguments.
They love each other and hate feeling like this but are stuck in bad habits. Counselling can be a great support to unpack certain themes and stuck points. I hear all the time “This sounds so petty, I don’t know why we have so many arguments over silly things.”
Usually, arguments are not really about the content, they are about the message underneath, often something to the effect of ‘I feel like you don’t care’, or “I don’t feel important to you”, or “I’m not feeling loved”.
Counselling can support couples to get out of negative loops where arguments never get resolved, by working on the underlying causes.
Power struggles are another common reason that couples get stuck in arguments they wish they were not having. Common struggles include tensions such as messy vs tidy, spender vs saver, ‘touchy-feely’ vs reserved and different styles of parenting.
Learning to communicate calmly, without triggering each other into a cycle of ‘attack and defend’ is an art, and even if you know what you should be doing, it is very hard to enact when the person you love is looking at you ‘with that look’ or tone of voice. Practicing this in counselling can help you to gain new skills, so that you don’t get into arguments that are destructive to the wellbeing of your relationship.
Almost every couple that comes to see me gets the following homework to practice while we work on improving the above.
Have a weekly ‘couple check-in’
This is a time when kids or housemates are not in earshot. You are both as relaxed as possible. Sit down together and ask each other the following questions.
1. What have I done that has made you feel loved this week?
2. Is there anything person one wants to share about the relationship?
Keep it as a complaint or request rather than a criticism or attack, by using non-blaming language. Person 2 just listens to understand and doesn’t add anything of their own. Once person 1 feels totally understood, person 2 can respond, while person 1 just listens to understand, and doesn’t add anything.
3. Is there anything person 2 wants to share about the relationship. Follow the same process as question above.
4. Only once both have had a turn to share, decide what you will try differently in the coming week. Commit to some small steps.
5. Now touch base on any life admin stuff.
Are there events coming up, stressors, hopes, expectations that it could be useful to share?
If you need more ideas have a look at the Gottman Institute;
https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-have-a-state-of-the-union-meeting
This simple process can have an enormous benefit to couples and really reduce arguments.
You are not letting things build to a point where it bubbles out in anger, or seeps out in resentment. You are practicing speaking your needs calmly. You are giving your partner the message that their concerns are important.
It’s a good idea to do this just once per week, for 20-30 minutes max, because this will only help you to reduce arguments if you do it regularly.
Any more than 20-30 minutes, you might not be willing to do it every week, invest in your relationship and see if you can commit to this.
Once you have had this talk, do your best to take on board any requests or hopes that your partner shared. It’s like a team meeting at work, you set yourselves up for the week, then you get on with it. Try not to keep bringing things up unless they really are urgent. Use the weekly meetings for complaints as well as appreciations, then during the week, try to just enjoy each other more by focusing on what your partner is doing right.