“You never try to understand my feelings”
“I just don’t feel heard”
“You don’t seem to show interest in me!”
If any of the above sound familiar, your partner is seeking more emotional connection. This is something you can learn, it’s about validating your partner’s feelings and maintaining genuine curiosity about their inner experience. They are not wanting you to fix, find solutions or give advice, they just want to feel that you have heard and understood and are there for them. If you find yourself always wanting to fix or feel the need to try and stop your partner being upset, click to read THIS blog.
The below list includes the sort of things that counsellors are taught in order to validate their client’s feelings. Of course you are not trying to be a therapist to your partner, but learning to stay with and validate what your partner is sharing is a wonderful skill for deepening connection.
Try a few out, even if you feel awkward and unnatural. The first part of the list is to validate your partner’s feelings, the second part is ideas to show interest in general, and to deepen intimate conversation.
One strategy that I encourage clients to practice is to take 10 minutes every day, no phones or other distractions, and share one highlight and one lowlight with each other. Try to share the feelings that came with these, you can refer to this wonderful feelings wheel to enhance your emotional literacy: feelings wheel.
Then use the below questions to practice validating your partner and to encourage them to share more.
Ask these to validate your partner when they are sharing feelings
🌿 Empathy
- That sounds really hard, how are you managing with it?
- It makes so much sense that you’d feel that way.
- I can hear the pain in that for you.
- That must have been such a heavy thing to carry.
- It sounds like you’ve been through a lot.
- That would have been difficult for anyone to face.
- I can imagine that must have felt overwhelming.
- It’s understandable you’d feel hurt after that.
- Of course you’d feel ___, given what happened.
- That’s a lot to sit with.
💬 Curiosity
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How are you doing with that?
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What’s been the hardest part?
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What’s that like for you right now?
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How are you feeling about it all?
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What do you need most from me here?
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What’s standing out for you the most?
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How are you holding up with it?
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What feels most important about this to you?
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How are you making sense of it?
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What’s been helping you get through it?
🌱 Normalising
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Anyone would struggle with that.
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That’s a really normal way to feel.
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You’re not alone in this.
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I think most people would feel the same in that situation.
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It’s okay that it feels hard.
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It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you—it makes sense.
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Lots of people would react that way.
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It’s a pretty human response.
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No wonder you feel the way you do.
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It’s totally understandable.
🌟 Strengths & Care
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You’ve been handling so much.
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I can see how hard you’re trying.
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You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.
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I love how much you care.
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I know this isn’t easy, and you’re still showing up.
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I’m proud of how you’ve handled it.
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I see how much effort you’ve put in.
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It takes a lot of courage to talk about this.
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I notice how much thought you’ve given this.
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I really admire the way you’re working through this.
💬 Use these to express curiosity about your partner & to encourage them to share about their day and their life.
Open Invitations
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Tell me more about that.
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What happened next?
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How did that come about?
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What’s the backstory there?
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That sounds interesting—what was it like?
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How did it all play out?
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What stood out the most?
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So then what happened?
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How did you get into that?
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What part sticks with you most?
Feelings & Reactions
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How did that feel for you?
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What was going through your head at the time?
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What part was the hardest?
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What felt good about it?
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What surprised you the most?
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What made it tricky?
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How are you feeling about it now?
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What was the best part?
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What got under your skin about it?
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What felt important to you in that?
Values & Strengths
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What helped you get through it?
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What do you feel proud of there?
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What mattered most to you?
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What kept you going?
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What does that show you about yourself?
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What do you want to hang onto from that?
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What do you think that says about your priorities?
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What part of you do you think showed up most strongly?
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What did you learn about yourself?
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What do you care about most in this?
Connection & Relationships
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How did other people react?
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What did you wish I’d done in that moment?
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Who do you think understood you best?
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How did it feel sharing that with me?
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Who did you want to tell first?
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What kind of support felt best?
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What kind of response would have helped more?
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How did it affect the way you see us?
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What do you wish people knew about it?
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Who was most helpful through it?