Ground Rules Before Starting
Consider agreeing to:
• Listen without interrupting.
• Be curious rather than defensive.
• Avoid trying to immediately solve problems.
• Thank your partner for sharing, even when it’s difficult to hear.
• Take breaks if either person becomes overwhelmed.
• Remember that understanding each other is the goal, not agreement.
Many couples find it helpful to answer one or two questions each week rather than trying to cover everything in a single conversation. This tends to produce more thoughtful and less reactive discussions.
Connection and Emotional Safety
• What helps you feel most connected to me?
• When do you feel most desired by me?
• What makes it easier for you to relax into intimacy?
• What makes it harder for you to feel sexually open?
• How do you know when you’re feeling emotionally close to me?
• What helps you feel safe discussing sex?
• Are there things you wish I understood better about your sexual experience?
Understanding Desire
• What does desire feel like for you?
• What tends to spark sexual interest for you?
• What tends to reduce your interest in sex?
• Do you experience spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or a mix of both? (See this blog: https://ellashannon.com/when-you-want-to-want-sex-but-just-dont-feel-like-it/
• What conditions help you get “in the mood”?
• How do stress, fatigue, and mental load affect your sexuality?
• How satisfied are you with the frequency of our sexual connection?
Pleasure and Preferences
• What are your favourite ways to receive affection?
• What kinds of touch do you most enjoy?
• What kinds of touch don’t work for you?
• What helps sex feel pleasurable and satisfying?
• What would you like more of during sex?
• What would you like less of during sex?
• Is there anything you’ve wanted to try but haven’t with me?
Try this blog for ideas if you are interested in trying new things: https://ellashannon.com/what-is-your-erotic-energy/
• What makes a sexual experience memorable for you?
Communication During Sex
• How comfortable do you feel telling me what you want?
• How do you prefer me to initiate sex?
• How do you like to communicate boundaries in the moment?
• What helps you feel heard if something isn’t working?
• What signals do you give when you’re enjoying something?
• How can we make it easier to talk during sex?
• What sort of talking during sex do you like the idea of?
Body Image and Self-Confidence
• How do you feel about your body during intimacy?
• Are there insecurities that affect your sexual experience?
• What helps you feel attractive and confident?
• How can I support you in feeling more comfortable in your body?
Fantasy, Curiosity, and Exploration
• What does “sexual adventure” mean to you?
• Are there fantasies you would feel comfortable sharing?
• Is there anything you’re curious about but unsure whether you’d enjoy?
• What role does novelty play in your sexual satisfaction?
• What would an ideal intimate date night look like?
• Are there activities that are exciting in fantasy but not necessarily something you’d want to do in reality?
Beyond Our Relationship
• How do you describe flirting?
• What is okay and not okay in terms of flirting and connecting with people outside of our relationship?
• Do you agree that solo masturbation is a healthy part of long term relationships?
• How do you feel about porn use, together or in private?
Boundaries and Consent
• What sexual boundaries are most important to you?
• Have any of your boundaries changed over time?
• Are there things you never want included in our sexual relationship?
• How can we better check in with each other around consent and comfort?
• What helps you feel respected when discussing boundaries?
Past Experiences and Sexual History
• What messages about sex did you learn growing up?
• How have past relationships shaped your sexuality?
• Are there experiences that have influenced how you approach intimacy now?
• What positive sexual experiences have helped shape who you are?
• Are there difficult experiences that affect intimacy today?
Satisfaction and Growth
• What are we doing well sexually?
• What do you appreciate most about our intimate relationship?
• If you could change one thing about our sex life, what would it be?
• What would help our sexual relationship feel more fulfilling?
• What goals would you like us to work toward together?
• How would you like our sexual relationship to evolve over the next year?
Reflection Questions for Deeper Conversations
• When do you feel most loved by me?
• What role does sex play in our relationship?
• What do you hope sex helps us experience together?
• How do you define a satisfying intimate relationship?
• What does sexual intimacy mean to you beyond physical pleasure?
• If we could create our ideal sexual relationship from scratch, what would it look like?
Ground Rules Before Starting
Consider agreeing to:
• Listen without interrupting.
• Be curious rather than defensive.
• Avoid trying to immediately solve problems.
• Thank your partner for sharing, even when it’s difficult to hear.
• Take breaks if either person becomes overwhelmed.
• Remember that understanding each other is the goal, not agreement.
Many couples find it helpful to answer one or two questions each week rather than trying to cover everything in a single conversation. This tends to produce more thoughtful and less reactive discussions.
Connection and Emotional Safety
• What helps you feel most connected to me?
• When do you feel most desired by me?
• What makes it easier for you to relax into intimacy?
• What makes it harder for you to feel sexually open?
• How do you know when you’re feeling emotionally close to me?
• What helps you feel safe discussing sex?
• Are there things you wish I understood better about your sexual experience?
Understanding Desire
• What does desire feel like for you?
• What tends to spark sexual interest for you?
• What tends to reduce your interest in sex?
• Do you experience spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or a mix of both? (See this blog: https://ellashannon.com/when-you-want-to-want-sex-but-just-dont-feel-like-it/
• What conditions help you get “in the mood”?
• How do stress, fatigue, and mental load affect your sexuality?
• How satisfied are you with the frequency of our sexual connection?
Pleasure and Preferences
• What are your favourite ways to receive affection?
• What kinds of touch do you most enjoy?
• What kinds of touch don’t work for you?
• What helps sex feel pleasurable and satisfying?
• What would you like more of during sex?
• What would you like less of during sex?
• Is there anything you’ve wanted to try but haven’t with me?
• What makes a sexual experience memorable for you?
Communication During Sex
• How comfortable do you feel telling me what you want?
• How do you prefer me to initiate sex?
• How do you like to communicate boundaries in the moment?
• What helps you feel heard if something isn’t working?
• What signals do you give when you’re enjoying something?
• How can we make it easier to talk during sex?
• What sort of talking during sex do you like the idea of?
Body Image and Self-Confidence
• How do you feel about your body during intimacy?
• Are there insecurities that affect your sexual experience?
• What helps you feel attractive and confident?
• How can I support you in feeling more comfortable in your body?
Fantasy, Curiosity, and Exploration
• What does “sexual adventure” mean to you?
• Are there fantasies you would feel comfortable sharing?
• Is there anything you’re curious about but unsure whether you’d enjoy?
• What role does novelty play in your sexual satisfaction?
• What would an ideal intimate date night look like?
• Are there activities that are exciting in fantasy but not necessarily something you’d want to do in reality?
Beyond Our Relationship
Boundaries and Consent
• What sexual boundaries are most important to you?
• Have any of your boundaries changed over time?
• Are there things you never want included in our sexual relationship?
• How can we better check in with each other around consent and comfort?
• What helps you feel respected when discussing boundaries?
Past Experiences and Sexual History
• What messages about sex did you learn growing up?
• How have past relationships shaped your sexuality?
• Are there experiences that have influenced how you approach intimacy now?
• What positive sexual experiences have helped shape who you are?
• Are there difficult experiences that affect intimacy today?
Satisfaction and Growth
• What are we doing well sexually?
• What do you appreciate most about our intimate relationship?
• If you could change one thing about our sex life, what would it be?
• What would help our sexual relationship feel more fulfilling?
• What goals would you like us to work toward together?
• How would you like our sexual relationship to evolve over the next year?
Reflection Questions for Deeper Conversations
• When do you feel most loved by me?
• What role does sex play in our relationship?
• What do you hope sex helps us experience together?
• How do you define a satisfying intimate relationship?
• What does sexual intimacy mean to you beyond physical pleasure?
• If we could create our ideal sexual relationship from scratch, what would it look like?