When you need to talk about something important, don’t spring it on your partner. Don’t try to talk about it when you are both going about your day. Chose a time, sit down and give each other your undivided attention.
Topics that need this type of undivided attention are often things like parenting, money, sex, in-laws and lifestyle choices such as how much you use drinking, social media or pornography.
Below is a tried and tested approach to discussing these bigger issues.
1. Decide exactly what you are talking about, eg kids bedtime. If other topics arise, table them for another time.
2. Take turns to share why it is important for each of you.
3. Repeat back what you have heard the other say is important- make sure you both feel heard and understood.
4. Find a common goal that you can work towards.
5. Only now do you move to solutions, suggestions or problem solving. Put all ideas on a piece of paper, even if you disagree with them.
6. Narrow down solutions that you can both agree on.
Don’t let big issues affect the level of respect you afford each other day to day.
You deserve better and so do your kids (if you have any).
Make dedicated effort to always speak with respect and love.
Need more help? Book a couples session with Ella.