
Help! I have no libido

You say you really want a certain outcome in your life, maybe feeling fit and healthy, or waking earlier to meditate, perhaps you want an amazing relationship without arguments, or to stop yelling at your kids so much. You sincerely do want this- and put time and energy and money into getting them. Maybe you join the gym, plan healthy meals, do the meditation course or buy the special meditation cushion and maybe even go to counselling.
You have a voice in your head telling you ‘You should really try harder, do better.’ This voice drives you to change. Depending on what your family were like when you were a kid- the voice might be supportive, ‘Come on, I’ll feel better if I am fitter’, or it might be really mean ‘I’m an out of shape loser, no wonder I don’t have friends’.
Perhaps you do stick to those changes for a while. You work hard to speak nicely to your kids and not snap at your partner, or to eat well and exercise. And then a different voice starts- ‘I’ve been so good for the last few weeks, no harm in having a day off (exercise / eating well / meditating)’. Or ‘I’ve been so calm to my partner, and they are still not pulling their weight around the house- I’m going to let them have it’.
You slide back into your old ways, then the critical voice starts up again- “I should try harder”, ‘I’ll stick to it this time’. Or maybe your self-critic is meaner “I can never stick to anything” / “I have no discipline compared to my friends” (add name calling. Putting yourself down).
Then you try again- this time with even more ‘rules’ that you give to yourself. Perhaps you succeed for a while, then the other voice starts that wants you to take a break, not be so strict, and around and around you go.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model of Therapy calls this cycle a Polarity. The stronger the rule making, critical manager parts of your inner world get, the stronger the rule breaking, ‘take a break and relax’ parts, called ‘Firefighter parts’ of your inner system get. It’s like an inner fight, with one side winning for a while, then another side taking over and becoming even more controlling in response. It’s exhausting and confusing- Why do humans work against themselves so much?
IFS understands that all parts are trying to help you feel better or avoid pain. Critical parts want you to achieve, to feel better, to succeed. Firefighter parts want to help you relax, not stress and take a break. Luckily, they don’t have to just fight it out between them, because we all have at our deepest core- an authentic Self, that can lead us with compassion and clarity. This might be a surprise if you have been living from strict parts of you that have wanted to control your life. People that grew up in difficult situations may not have been safe to live as their true Self- and so their Self Energy remains buried while other parts try and manage life for them- but it is there nonetheless and can be rediscovered at any time.
When we learn to befriend our controlling manager parts- they can stop being so strict and critical, and instead help and motivate us with a friendly voice. And when we befriend our firefighter parts- they stop needing to be so extreme and provide us with balanced and fun ways to bring relaxation and playfulness into our lives.
Experience Internal Family Systems for yourself by booking a session with Ella for Individual Counselling, Ella also runs groups, supporting you to get to know and befriend different parts of you.


36 Questions to Fall in Love
Good couple communication isn't just for when you are in conflict. A great relationship is built upon deep connection, and if you are only talking about what you did during the day, what jobs are needed around the house or what the kids or the pets are doing or...

Internal Family Systems- Getting to know a part
Rather than being one fixed personality, what if you were made up of lots of different parts? Like subpersonalities inside of you, your own inner family. Most of us relate to this quite intuitively- for example, maybe a part of you loves going to work, being...

Get off the Drama Triangle to Save your Relationship
When people relate to each other, we can get polarised into unhealthy positions that don’t make for a healthy, close connection. The Drama Triangle is one model that explains the mess we can sometimes get into with people we care about. The three parts of the triangle...

The Art of Couple Communication
When couples get stuck in unhelpful patterns of communication, often it’s not so much ‘what’ is being discussed but ‘how’ it is being discussed. If one partner has something on their mind that they want to share with the other, delivery is really important. For the...

Help! We’re not having Sex!
One of the most common reasons that individuals and couples seek out a sex therapist, is that they are not having much or any sexual intimacy. Some people are A-sexual, meaning they don’t feel sexual desire and that’s just how they are, but for people who are...

Bringing Tantra into your Sex Life
Tantra is a ritual that each person comes to with intention. Tantra (not the ancient yogic spirituality, but what is know as 'neo-tantra / new tantra) is a practice of making sex sacred. Instead of focusing on arousal or orgasms, the focus is on connection,...

5 Powerful Ways to Show More Appreciation
If all couples increased the amount of appreciation they showed each other, I would not have many relationship counselling clients! It doesn’t matter how good your communication skills are, how practiced you are at speaking without yelling and regulating the tone of...

Chores that are Bores, and the arguments they create
No-one is going to be surprised to hear that allocation of household chores is a common gripe and cause of arguments, and a hot topic in couple counselling sessions. I always let couples know that there is no ‘correct’ or ‘fair’ way to manage things, beyond what...

Mindful Masturbation for greater Ejaculation Control
Ejaculating within the first few ‘thrusts’ of penetrative sex can be frustrating! Clients attend sex therapy looking for a way to ‘last longer’ as they might be experiencing distressing feelings of shame, frustration and even avoiding sex. They have googled 'premature...
One of the most common reasons for seeking a sex therapist is a perceived lack of libido.
Libido is another word for ‘sex drive’, how driven you are towards being sexual and how often you feel sexual desire and arousal.
It can be helpful to understand that desire and arousal are different things. Sexual desire is the feeling of wanting sex (whether this is acted upon or not), and sexual arousal is the physiological sexual response of being turned on.
For most people during their youth, sex drive was strong and they regularly felt a lot of desire and arousal at the same time. But arousal isn’t necessary for sexual desire. You can desire to be sexual for lots of reasons than just feeling turned on. Perhaps you want to feel close to your partner, or to express your love to your partner, or to relax, to seek pleasure and many other possible reasons for desiring sex. Often once the sexual interaction has begun, the arousal will start to build.
If time is taken and opportunities are created to build arousal- sex can be satisfying, even if there is not as much arousal as perhaps previously experienced.
Sometimes if it’s been a while since being sexual, bodies are out of practice, and it takes time to awaken to feeling sexual and aroused.
Have fun practicing and enjoy whatever you do feel.
Yet people often attend counselling because they can’t access any desire at all, and being sexual is just not something they feel able to experience or go towards at the moment.
The role of therapy is to help you understand yourself and exploring the reasons why desire is not present is an individual process.
It often starts with looking at the quality of the relationship.
Do they feel respected, appreciated, and loved?
Do they feel loved, but more as a friend and not as a lover?
Equally important is a person’s relationship with themselves and their own body. Societal messages tell us that we are ‘not good enough’ in order to try and sell us things- these messages run deep and body shame and lack of self-esteem can ensure that the sexual, erotic, playful parts of ourselves hide away.
Lack of desire can also be a symptom of underlying health issues, so it is always good to get a full medical check-up to rule out any biological factors that are preventing sexual desire and arousal.
A really common reason that many people have a lack of libido is that they are feeling too overwhelmed with managing daily lives and young children, and especially if they feel that they are managing an unfair proportion of household tasks- sex is the last thing they feel like and it can feel much more like a chore than a reward.
Once these elements are explored and attended to, there are lots of exercises and practices that will start to stir libido up again.
Sexual energy is life-force energy.
It’s the part of us that feels inspiration and joy at life. This energy can be stirred up through dancing, laughing, playfulness and doing activities that make us feel alive. Through wearing clothes that feel sexy and through practicing to perceive oneself as a sexual being again. Learning to touch yourself in a pleasurable, slow and sensual way can build up sexual longings and desires. For many people this process will include overcoming shame and stigma about sex and what it means to be alive in your own pleasure, enjoying your body and the body of your lover.
If you need support in this process, sex therapy can be a wonderful support along the way.