
Having a great sex life- Advice for Women, and People who love them.

You say you really want a certain outcome in your life, maybe feeling fit and healthy, or waking earlier to meditate, perhaps you want an amazing relationship without arguments, or to stop yelling at your kids so much. You sincerely do want this- and put time and energy and money into getting them. Maybe you join the gym, plan healthy meals, do the meditation course or buy the special meditation cushion and maybe even go to counselling.
You have a voice in your head telling you ‘You should really try harder, do better.’ This voice drives you to change. Depending on what your family were like when you were a kid- the voice might be supportive, ‘Come on, I’ll feel better if I am fitter’, or it might be really mean ‘I’m an out of shape loser, no wonder I don’t have friends’.
Perhaps you do stick to those changes for a while. You work hard to speak nicely to your kids and not snap at your partner, or to eat well and exercise. And then a different voice starts- ‘I’ve been so good for the last few weeks, no harm in having a day off (exercise / eating well / meditating)’. Or ‘I’ve been so calm to my partner, and they are still not pulling their weight around the house- I’m going to let them have it’.
You slide back into your old ways, then the critical voice starts up again- “I should try harder”, ‘I’ll stick to it this time’. Or maybe your self-critic is meaner “I can never stick to anything” / “I have no discipline compared to my friends” (add name calling. Putting yourself down).
Then you try again- this time with even more ‘rules’ that you give to yourself. Perhaps you succeed for a while, then the other voice starts that wants you to take a break, not be so strict, and around and around you go.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model of Therapy calls this cycle a Polarity. The stronger the rule making, critical manager parts of your inner world get, the stronger the rule breaking, ‘take a break and relax’ parts, called ‘Firefighter parts’ of your inner system get. It’s like an inner fight, with one side winning for a while, then another side taking over and becoming even more controlling in response. It’s exhausting and confusing- Why do humans work against themselves so much?
IFS understands that all parts are trying to help you feel better or avoid pain. Critical parts want you to achieve, to feel better, to succeed. Firefighter parts want to help you relax, not stress and take a break. Luckily, they don’t have to just fight it out between them, because we all have at our deepest core- an authentic Self, that can lead us with compassion and clarity. This might be a surprise if you have been living from strict parts of you that have wanted to control your life. People that grew up in difficult situations may not have been safe to live as their true Self- and so their Self Energy remains buried while other parts try and manage life for them- but it is there nonetheless and can be rediscovered at any time.
When we learn to befriend our controlling manager parts- they can stop being so strict and critical, and instead help and motivate us with a friendly voice. And when we befriend our firefighter parts- they stop needing to be so extreme and provide us with balanced and fun ways to bring relaxation and playfulness into our lives.
Experience Internal Family Systems for yourself by booking a session with Ella for Individual Counselling, Ella also runs groups, supporting you to get to know and befriend different parts of you.


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As a Clinical Sexologist, I have the privileged opportunity to know the intricacies of many people’s sex lives.
Therefore, I can say directly that there is no ‘normal’ or right number of times a month or ways of being intimate that are right for everyone.
What is satisfying for each couple and individual varies enormously. Saying this, I do see patterns and there are certain things that people bring to my counselling room regularly that may be helpful for you to know a bit about.
Many women and people with vulvas / vaginas experience difficulties relating to sexual difficulties at some point in their lives.
Here are some common ones and some things to think about if you or a loved one experiences any of them.
Painful Sex
This is really common and there are a lot of reasons why this could be happening.
A non-exhaustive list is scar tissue, thinning of vaginal walls, tight muscles due to anxiety or previous sexual trauma or physical trauma from giving birth, STIs or infections as well as dryness. The first step is to see your GP, depending on what is happening for you they can refer you to a gynaecologist or pelvic floor physiotherapist to support you. Once any physical aspect is also being addressed, get some support to combat anxiety, tension and sexual aversion that may have developed due to the pain. There are also many wonderful devices and toys that can support you to experience sexual intimacy in different ways and without pain.
Lack of Arousal.
Bodies change throughout the lifetime. We change with age, fluctuating hormones, state of external life and relationships, illness and injury.
It’s unreasonable to expect a baseline level of arousal to remain constant.
But the good news is that good sex doesn’t depend on arousal and orgasms, a desire and motivation to be sexual is needed, then the fun can unfold in a myriad of ways.
If there is a willingness from all involved to be really present and just enjoy whatever sensation and experience is happening in the moment, without such a focus on orgasms or a certain type of activity you can still have satisfying and pleasurable sexual connections. Use a great lube to ensure any touch glides, there are so many different types these days.
Mismatched Desire
Ripping each other’s clothes off in a passionate flurry isn’t something that happens much outside of movies, at least not in long-term relationships.
And once that rush of honeymoon endorphins are over, couples are rarely going to both desire sex at exactly the same time. Each human has an amount of sex each day, week, month or year that feels satisfying.
Difficulty arises when there is a big mismatch, as one person will seek sex, the other feels obliged and pressured, or refuses and the other feels rejection.
Both people in this situation may need to adjust to a shared middle ground; talk about what that is in a neutral setting from a loving heart, remember more or less isn’t better or worse- it’s like food, some people just have bigger appetites than others.
For many women who experience less desire than their partners, it’s really common that the mental load they carry of the home, kids, work and partner is too overwhelming and not fairly split, and therefore they feel too exhausted and resentful to want to be sexual, this warrants a really frank conversation about shared responsibility and what feels reasonable.
You might also want to explore how to bring some ‘New Relationship Energy’ into your love life, as familiarity and comfortability are so cosy, but sometimes a spark is needed to reignite the sexual passion too.
Not feeling Connected
Many women and more feminine leading people really need to feel emotionally connected before they have any desire for sex or can open sexually.
If there are any trust issues, feelings of insecurity or perceived lack of connection in the relationship many women just don’t want to be sexual. Intimacy starts out of the bedroom. So do your best to connect through conversations, shared activities, laughter and play- this is often better foreplay than any kind of sexual advance.
Orgasms (lack of)
Many women don’t orgasm purely from penetration and need non-penetrative touch or oral sex before or after or added stimulation from a vibrator or a hand to reach orgasm during sex.
This is perfectly common and doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong. Learning and exploring slowly and playfully with a partner exactly what works is a wonderful experience and highly recommended.
Other people will have trouble letting go during sex and therefore find it hard to release, while others find they don’t build up enough intensity of pleasure to get to orgasm. Some medications prescribed for mental health issues interfere in this way, for others it’s due to being too ‘in the head’. Learning mindfulness as a sensual and sexual practice can slowly build more connection to the body and the moment that can allow more pleasure. It can be frustrating not to reach orgasm but being with whatever pleasure is available in the body at a certain time with a sense of relaxation is something to enjoy, in and of itself. For some people and some bodies, toys and devices will be necessary to add the level of stimulation needed.