How do you usually express yourself sexually?
We each have a ‘go to’ sexual energy that will feel most natural and comfortable,  (unless you are a-sexual) this is part of your erotic template, the things that get you in the mood and the things that feel sexy to you. If your erotic template differs from your partner’s or lover’s, you may experience a lack of satisfaction, but having a different style doesn’t have to be an incompatibility, if you can bring elements of each- sexual interactions can stay inspiring.
Perhaps if sex has started to feel a bit ‘same same’ or stagnant, you could explore one of the other energies and bring some of that energy into the interaction.

Have a look at the list below and see if you can find your ‘home base’.

For many of the erotic energies below- it is good to choose a safe word and gesture that indicates that a limit has been reached beforehand. Why not just say ‘stop’? Sometimes playing with a submissive energy, it’s fun to say ‘no, stop, I can’t take it anymore’ as part of the play- not really wanting the partner playing with a teasing or dominating energy to stop. All this MUST be pre arranged so that it is safe and fun for all involved.

The word ‘partner’ is used below- and refers to whoever you are sexually interacting with, for more sexually adventurous readers, it may mean ‘partners’.

If you are not currently being sexual with anyone, it is possible to bring some of these energies into your life and your self pleasure, be creative.

Sexual interaction means any erotic play that you are engaged in that evokes arousal. It could involve genitals but it might not, it might involve some kind of penetration, but it doesn’t have to. Orgasms may happen in a sexual interaction or they may not. It might be quite vanilla (why add anything else if you don’t need to), or it might be quite kinky and unusual – you do you!

Romantic:
Expressing love and care for a specific person. The moment is about your partner and you and the value of the relationship. Sex is a way to share love, this type of erotic energy might involve lots of eye contact, slow kissing, saying loving things to each other. You might bring in music, soft lighting and nice scents to enhance the mood.
Tantric:
This erotic energy is about meeting a partner spiritually. A focus is on the energy running in your body and moving through you and your partner as physical boundaries dissolve and you feel like you are at one with each other and the universe itself. To bring tantric erotic energy you might start with a meditation before moving to sexual interaction or engaged in a breathing practice to move energy between you during the sexual experience. Learn more about Tantric lovemaking in this blog: https://ellashannon.com/bringing-tantra-into-your-sex-life/
Submissive:
Letting go and allowing your partner to lead, being guided and giving yourself over to another is the bliss of the submissive. Many people find a deep relaxation and freedom through moving into a submissive role. They release responsibilities of everyday life of having to make choices and lead and can surrender themselves to be totally taken over by a trusted other. This is an energy that requires a prior discussion- in order for a power dynamic to be consensual. Please read this blog on consent first.
Forceful:
Being forceful, wrestling together, moving with vigour and energy but also with enough finesse- so as not to hurt one another. Lovingly powerful and passionate. This erotic energy takes good communication and some skill to ensure that force is yielded in a way that ensures there is no injury. Please read this blog on consent.
Seductive:
Playing with the energy of desire, magnetising your partner to draw them towards you. Perhaps through dressing up or writing sexy messages or whispering the delightful things you would like to do. To be seduced is to feel someone wanting and desiring you in a way that you cannot resist and can make you feel very special and wanted. In a long-term relationship, you no longer need to seduce your partner, you can often just ask for sex- but bringing some seduction into initiation can make your partner feel really desired, wanted and special.
Worshipful:
All the attention is on the partner with devotion and adoration, making them feel like they are royalty or a divine being. Treating them like every part of them is divine and you are their loyal servant. The worshipful energy is to move into a state of service- attending to every need of the partner’s pleasure. This can be hard to receive for some people, just to allow yourself to be pampered with no expectation of return. Being able to let go and enjoy this can bring up difficult feelings. If you have a hard time receiving, you might like to practice the intimacy game at the end of this blog:
https://ellashannon.com/help-were-not-having-sex/
Dominant:
This erotic energy requires the dominant to tune in deeply to their partner to overpower in a way that the partner relaxes into submission. To be trusted, to guide, to initiate and lead in a loving, firm way can be very empowering for the dominant. This is an erotic energy that requires discussion beforehand, so that the dominant knows the limits of where to take their partner, what the partner does and doesn’t want and their likes and desires, so they can take charge in a way that is pleasurable, safe and enjoyable for the partner. Please read this blog on express consent first.
Wicked:
The sexy villain; dark and evil without harm. The wicked erotic energy might enjoy restraining a partner, watching them struggle and squeal (in delight). Or perhaps bringing a role play of a sexy monster, samurai or mean school teacher with their ‘victim’. (As always- willing and pre-discussed in detail). If you like this erotic energy, you are not the only one! Check out this list from buzzfeed: https://www.buzzfeed.com/kimberleymolden/25-hottest-action-movie-villains
Teasing:
Building up desire then denying it playfully, you like to see your partner beg for more, building up anticipation. You are the boss and you arouse your partner, then toy with that arousal- keeping them in a state of longing and wanting. One well known teasing technique is edging- bringing your partner to the point of almost orgasming and then backing off, then building again until orgasm is desired or allowed. If orgasms are part of your sexual interaction, it can bring a more powerful orgasm. Pleasure mechanics talk about Erotic Teasing here: https://www.pleasuremechanics.com/teasing/
Playful:
Sex is an area where adults can really play. Being silly and fun, full of curiosity and spontaneity. Giggles and exploration, having a good time and not taking yourself too seriously. To bring more playful erotic energy, you could try changing location, using different types of touch and following whatever feels joyful.
Primal:
Unleash the beast! No more being polite- in this erotic energy you let taboo fall away, growling as you ravish your partner with urgency. I always tell clients that those scenes in movies where the couple can hardly make it inside to rip each other’s clothes off is bullshit, that rarely happens in real life. However- if you CHOOSE to bring in a primal energy, you can evoke this energy of ravishing and urgency. 
Nurturing:
To be cared for tenderly and lovingly, the non-sexual soothing that people with good enough parents received as a little child feels nice for adults too, it’s no surprise that a common term of endearment is ‘baby’ and ‘babe’. Receiving caresses, being looked after, being held. Some kinky people even roleplay being the child or baby while their partner nurtures them lovingly. This is the erotic energy that is most important after a sexual interaction, particularly if you have moved to an erotic energy that involves any kind of power dynamic play or an erotic energy that is not your ‘usual’.
After Care:
The time after a sexual interaction is potent with potential to increase feelings of closeness and connection. If you just jump up to shower straight away or go straight to sleep or about your day- you miss a special opportunity. This is the moment to bring in nurturing energy and tend to your partner. If you have played with an erotic energy that is new, or there was any kind of power dynamic play during the sexual encounter, the more submissive person will need extra care and tending to, find out what they need.

When you need to talk about something important, don’t spring it on your partner. Don’t try to talk about it when you are both going about your day. Chose a time, sit down and give each other your undivided attention.

Topics that need this type of undivided attention are often things like parenting, money, sex, in-laws and lifestyle choices such as how much you use drinking, social media or pornography.

Below is a tried and tested approach to discussing these bigger issues.

1. Decide exactly what you are talking about, eg kids bedtime. If other topics arise, table them for another time.

2. Take turns to share why it is important for each of you.

3. Repeat back what you have heard the other say is important- make sure you both feel heard and understood.

4. Find a common goal that you can work towards.

5. Only now do you move to solutions, suggestions or problem solving. Put all ideas on a piece of paper, even if you disagree with them.

6. Narrow down solutions that you can both agree on. 

Don’t let big issues affect the level of respect you afford each other day to day.

You deserve better and so do your kids (if you have any).

Make dedicated effort to always speak with respect and love.

Need more help? Book a couples session with Ella.

Good couple communication isn’t just for when you are in conflict. A great relationship is built upon deep connection, and if you are only talking about what you did during the day, what jobs are needed around the house or what the kids or the pets are doing or needing, you are missing out on conversational intimacy.

Conversational Intimacy is built through deep and meaningful discussions. Those moments where you are genuinely curious about what your partner thinks and feels about something, and you feel the same interest back from them.

36 Questions to Fall in Love:

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What could constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner (the person you are dating) appear to have in common?

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10, If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else what would you want to know?

2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

4. What do you value most in a friendship?

5. What is your most treasured memory?

6. What is your most terrible memory?

7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

8. What does friendship mean to you?

9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner (the person you are dating). Share a total of 5 items.

11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

1. Make 3 true ‘we’ statements each. For instance “We are both in this room feeling…”

2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

7. Tell your partner something that you love about them already?

8. What if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? What haven’t you told them yet?

10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, as your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Rather than being one fixed personality, what if you were made up of lots of different parts? Like subpersonalities inside of you, your own inner family. Most of us relate to this quite intuitively- for example, maybe a part of you loves going to work, being successful and gets meaning from that. Another part of you hates going to work, and much prefers to veg out on the couch. Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps us to understand that being multiple is the natural human experience. We are born with parts, and we also born with a core Self- that is curious, connected, compassionate- who you are when there are no problems to solve.

To learn more about IFS, click here.

Common parts:

Protective parts that try to avoid pain by  managing and controling life- they do this through roles such as perfectionism, worrying, people pleasing, overthinking, organising, planning, self-critic, care taking, controlling, complaining, planning, rule enforcing, achieving, learning, skepticism etc. They can get intense- they take their job very seriously- they say ‘never again will I feel that pain’. 

Reactive parts that help to reduce pain once it’s felt. These parts numb, avoid, distract, distance, fight, fix, run. They do this through things like lashing out at others, engaging in distracting behaviours such as social media, porn, affairs, shoppping. They numb through drugs, alcohol, dissociation, self harm. They don’t worry about the damage they cause, they do whatever it takes to stop the pain. IFS calls these parts ‘FireFighters’. 

Young Parts that hold the pain. No matter how ‘perfect’ your childhood, you had times of feeling sad, bad, ashamed, scared and blamed as a kid. If we are supported in these times, we move through it without a problem. But when we experience these moments and don’t have the resources to cope (regardless of how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the experience was), we have to exile the pain away- so that we can get on with life and survive. These ‘exile parts’ are usually young, and are sent to the metaphorical basement of our psyche- with the door held firmly shut- so that we are not flooded with emotion that we can’t cope with. It is the job of our manager parts to make sure the door stays locked, and if any pain leaks out- it is our FireFighter parts that lock the exiles back up again. 

Just like many families- it is common for parts to be in conflict- they can have different concerns, fears and hopes. Usually when we get to know them, we see that they all have a similar goal- usually they are just trying to help you feel seen, safe, soothed, secure and loved.

A journal exercise to get to know a part.

If you are feeling upset, activated or triggered in any way- you know that a part is acting on your behalf. IFS calls this ‘getting blended with a part’. 

Take 2 different coloured pens- write the questions below in one colour, and move to the other colour to answer. See if you can let the part answer for itself as you write- rather than from an intellectual or ‘working out part’. Just see what comes.

Try to ask the questions from a space of open curiousity. If there is another part that is critical, angry or unwelcoming to the part you are getting to know- see if they can relax back a bit. If not- perhaps that part needs some time with you first. 

1. Hello part of me that (does the thing) eg. gets angry, is anxious, is pushing my partner away.

2. How would you like to be referred to, do you have a name?

3. What sort of situations or moments do you usually show up in?

4. What feelings are going on when you take over?

5. What sort of things do you say to me?

6. What do you do to my body?

7. What do you most want for me?

8. What do you wish I knew about you?

9. What do you need from me?

When all questions have been answered, place a hand on the body- where it feels right- and if possible, thank the part for sharing with you.

If you are enjoying getting to know parts, or are curious to go deeper, feel free to book a session with Ella to explore more.

When people relate to each other, we can get polarised into unhealthy positions that don’t make for a healthy, close connection. The Drama Triangle is one model that explains the mess we can sometimes get into with people we care about. The three parts of the triangle are Victim, Bully, Rescuer.

This can play out in arguments, for example, we hear our partner say something, and we perceive it as a criticism or an attack. Our partner is placed in our mind as the bully, and we move into the victim part of the triangle. From the victim stance we think or say things like “Why do you always put me down’, “This relationship is terrible”, “How could you treat me like this if you loved me?” Our partner might  get defensive when they hear this and then try to protect themselves with what feels like more bullying, “I didn’t mean it”, “You’re too sensitive”.  At this point, you might swap into a bully role yourself “You always blame me and never take accountability”, “You’re gaslighting me”, which sends your partner into the victim role, showing upset or shutdown. Which might send you into the rescuer role, trying to console them, or backtracking on what you said.

There are many ways we can jump from different roles back and forward, but whatever version you play out, you are still stuck in the drama. Maybe it settles for a few days, but the hurt feelings remain, and when one of you says something that is perceived as a criticism or attack- you jump back on and play out the same old patterns again.

This model was outlined by Stephen Karpman to describe the power struggles that people can get into. (https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/).

This does not describe genuinely abusive relationships where there is a victim and a perpetrator, this model and blog describes relationships that are usually loving and equal, but become stuck in power struggles where both parties feel criticised or put down at times.

This role isn’t a genuine attempt to support the other person out of their pain, it is a ‘one up’ position to feel superior to the other person and to avoid more conflict. When people go into this role a lot (often learnt in childhood), they put other’s needs before their own, playing the ‘benevolent leader’, doing more than a fair share, feeling needed and wanted – but this can build resentment over time, which can boil to a point where the rescuer becomes the bully. (Often pushing the victim into the rescuer role).

You are in the victim part of the triangle when you are feeling blamed, and internally might be feeling some shame, which often originates in past experiences from childhood. This is a ‘one down’ position. Perceived criticism triggers old feelings of not feeling good enough, and these difficult feelings are understandably uncomfortable. Sometimes the victim gets tired of being ‘looked down on’ by the rescuer- and then the victim lashes out- becoming the bully.

Originally called Perpetrator in Karpman’s model. This role is about protecting yourself from discomfort and pain, a ‘one up’ position. When in this position, it feels justified, as you have been feeling stuck as victim or rescuer. Lashing out is a way to feel better and block feelings of shame, pain and powerlessness, which can also be old feelings from childhood. Defensiveness helps us to regain power, it’s not very effective or a conscious decision- but there is a sense “I need to hurt them before they hurt me”.

To get off the triangle, when we feel criticised or offended by our partner, we  try to not move into a ‘one down’ position of victim, or a ‘one up’ position of bully. Instead, we need to go within and be with ourselves and the trigger we just experienced.

There is a saying in counselling ‘Name it to Tame it’.

We say in our heads, or even to our partner ‘I’m noticing what was said was felt as a criticism’. In a healthy adult relationship- we recognise that our triggers are our own responsibility to work through. We can check with our partner if they meant to criticise, and we recognise that perhaps they were triggered themselves for some reason- we stand alongside our partner, and let them be responsible for their own feelings. Perhaps we can take some responsibility for whatever triggered us, even a drop of accountability can defuse the situation. It might sound like, “You have a point, I did do that”, or “I can see how you might have thought that, would it be okay if I explain my intentions behind that?”

Getting off the triangle means that each person is responsible for their own feelings. It is up to us to share our needs and feelings with our partner, and to let our partner take responsibility to express and look after their own feelings and needs. Couples that can do this can reach a greater depth of connection and can achieve a more authentic relationship.

Reflect on which part of the triangle is your ‘go to’, and if you think that the drama triangle is playing out in your relationship, book a session of relationship counselling to learn how to ‘get off’ the triangle, and into an interdependent and healthy relationship dynamic. Book with Ella Now