Good couple communication isn’t just for when you are in conflict. A great relationship is built upon deep connection, and if you are only talking about what you did during the day, what jobs are needed around the house or what the kids or the pets are doing or needing, you are missing out on conversational intimacy.

Conversational Intimacy is built through deep and meaningful discussions. Those moments where you are genuinely curious about what your partner thinks and feels about something, and you feel the same interest back from them.

36 Questions to Fall in Love:

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What could constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner (the person you are dating) appear to have in common?

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10, If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else what would you want to know?

2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

4. What do you value most in a friendship?

5. What is your most treasured memory?

6. What is your most terrible memory?

7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

8. What does friendship mean to you?

9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner (the person you are dating). Share a total of 5 items.

11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

1. Make 3 true ‘we’ statements each. For instance “We are both in this room feeling…”

2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

7. Tell your partner something that you love about them already?

8. What if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? What haven’t you told them yet?

10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, as your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Rather than being one fixed personality, what if you were made up of lots of different parts? Like subpersonalities inside of you, your own inner family. Most of us relate to this quite intuitively- for example, maybe a part of you loves going to work, being successful and gets meaning from that. Another part of you hates going to work, and much prefers to veg out on the couch. Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps us to understand that being multiple is the natural human experience. We are born with parts, and we also born with a core Self- that is curious, connected, compassionate- who you are when there are no problems to solve.

To learn more about IFS, click here.

Common parts:

Protective parts that try to avoid pain by  managing and controling life- they do this through roles such as perfectionism, worrying, people pleasing, overthinking, organising, planning, self-critic, care taking, controlling, complaining, planning, rule enforcing, achieving, learning, skepticism etc. They can get intense- they take their job very seriously- they say ‘never again will I feel that pain’. 

Reactive parts that help to reduce pain once it’s felt. These parts numb, avoid, distract, distance, fight, fix, run. They do this through things like lashing out at others, engaging in distracting behaviours such as social media, porn, affairs, shoppping. They numb through drugs, alcohol, dissociation, self harm. They don’t worry about the damage they cause, they do whatever it takes to stop the pain. IFS calls these parts ‘FireFighters’. 

Young Parts that hold the pain. No matter how ‘perfect’ your childhood, you had times of feeling sad, bad, ashamed, scared and blamed as a kid. If we are supported in these times, we move through it without a problem. But when we experience these moments and don’t have the resources to cope (regardless of how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the experience was), we have to exile the pain away- so that we can get on with life and survive. These ‘exile parts’ are usually young, and are sent to the metaphorical basement of our psyche- with the door held firmly shut- so that we are not flooded with emotion that we can’t cope with. It is the job of our manager parts to make sure the door stays locked, and if any pain leaks out- it is our FireFighter parts that lock the exiles back up again. 

Just like many families- it is common for parts to be in conflict- they can have different concerns, fears and hopes. Usually when we get to know them, we see that they all have a similar goal- usually they are just trying to help you feel seen, safe, soothed, secure and loved.

A journal exercise to get to know a part.

If you are feeling upset, activated or triggered in any way- you know that a part is acting on your behalf. IFS calls this ‘getting blended with a part’. 

Take 2 different coloured pens- write the questions below in one colour, and move to the other colour to answer. See if you can let the part answer for itself as you write- rather than from an intellectual or ‘working out part’. Just see what comes.

Try to ask the questions from a space of open curiousity. If there is another part that is critical, angry or unwelcoming to the part you are getting to know- see if they can relax back a bit. If not- perhaps that part needs some time with you first. 

1. Hello part of me that (does the thing) eg. gets angry, is anxious, is pushing my partner away.

2. How would you like to be referred to, do you have a name?

3. What sort of situations or moments do you usually show up in?

4. What feelings are going on when you take over?

5. What sort of things do you say to me?

6. What do you do to my body?

7. What do you most want for me?

8. What do you wish I knew about you?

9. What do you need from me?

When all questions have been answered, place a hand on the body- where it feels right- and if possible, thank the part for sharing with you.

If you are enjoying getting to know parts, or are curious to go deeper, feel free to book a session with Ella to explore more.

When people relate to each other, we can get polarised into unhealthy positions that don’t make for a healthy, close connection. The Drama Triangle is one model that explains the mess we can sometimes get into with people we care about. The three parts of the triangle are Victim, Bully, Rescuer.

This can play out in arguments, for example, we hear our partner say something, and we perceive it as a criticism or an attack. Our partner is placed in our mind as the bully, and we move into the victim part of the triangle. From the victim stance we think or say things like “Why do you always put me down’, “This relationship is terrible”, “How could you treat me like this if you loved me?” Our partner might  get defensive when they hear this and then try to protect themselves with what feels like more bullying, “I didn’t mean it”, “You’re too sensitive”.  At this point, you might swap into a bully role yourself “You always blame me and never take accountability”, “You’re gaslighting me”, which sends your partner into the victim role, showing upset or shutdown. Which might send you into the rescuer role, trying to console them, or backtracking on what you said.

There are many ways we can jump from different roles back and forward, but whatever version you play out, you are still stuck in the drama. Maybe it settles for a few days, but the hurt feelings remain, and when one of you says something that is perceived as a criticism or attack- you jump back on and play out the same old patterns again.

This model was outlined by Stephen Karpman to describe the power struggles that people can get into. (https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/).

This does not describe genuinely abusive relationships where there is a victim and a perpetrator, this model and blog describes relationships that are usually loving and equal, but become stuck in power struggles where both parties feel criticised or put down at times.

This role isn’t a genuine attempt to support the other person out of their pain, it is a ‘one up’ position to feel superior to the other person and to avoid more conflict. When people go into this role a lot (often learnt in childhood), they put other’s needs before their own, playing the ‘benevolent leader’, doing more than a fair share, feeling needed and wanted – but this can build resentment over time, which can boil to a point where the rescuer becomes the bully. (Often pushing the victim into the rescuer role).

You are in the victim part of the triangle when you are feeling blamed, and internally might be feeling some shame, which often originates in past experiences from childhood. This is a ‘one down’ position. Perceived criticism triggers old feelings of not feeling good enough, and these difficult feelings are understandably uncomfortable. Sometimes the victim gets tired of being ‘looked down on’ by the rescuer- and then the victim lashes out- becoming the bully.

Originally called Perpetrator in Karpman’s model. This role is about protecting yourself from discomfort and pain, a ‘one up’ position. When in this position, it feels justified, as you have been feeling stuck as victim or rescuer. Lashing out is a way to feel better and block feelings of shame, pain and powerlessness, which can also be old feelings from childhood. Defensiveness helps us to regain power, it’s not very effective or a conscious decision- but there is a sense “I need to hurt them before they hurt me”.

To get off the triangle, when we feel criticised or offended by our partner, we  try to not move into a ‘one down’ position of victim, or a ‘one up’ position of bully. Instead, we need to go within and be with ourselves and the trigger we just experienced.

There is a saying in counselling ‘Name it to Tame it’.

We say in our heads, or even to our partner ‘I’m noticing what was said was felt as a criticism’. In a healthy adult relationship- we recognise that our triggers are our own responsibility to work through. We can check with our partner if they meant to criticise, and we recognise that perhaps they were triggered themselves for some reason- we stand alongside our partner, and let them be responsible for their own feelings. Perhaps we can take some responsibility for whatever triggered us, even a drop of accountability can defuse the situation. It might sound like, “You have a point, I did do that”, or “I can see how you might have thought that, would it be okay if I explain my intentions behind that?”

Getting off the triangle means that each person is responsible for their own feelings. It is up to us to share our needs and feelings with our partner, and to let our partner take responsibility to express and look after their own feelings and needs. Couples that can do this can reach a greater depth of connection and can achieve a more authentic relationship.

Reflect on which part of the triangle is your ‘go to’, and if you think that the drama triangle is playing out in your relationship, book a session of relationship counselling to learn how to ‘get off’ the triangle, and into an interdependent and healthy relationship dynamic. Book with Ella Now

When couples get stuck in unhelpful patterns of communication, often it’s not so much ‘what’ is being discussed but ‘how’ it is being discussed. If one partner has something on their mind that they want to share with the other, delivery is really important.

For the person sharing a concern about something:

Prep your partner, is now a good time? Give them a small snapshot of what you want to discuss. Eg. It’s about work, it’s about the kids, it’s about how much time we spend together, it’s about money.. etc.

Make sure you are both ready, sitting down and available. Kids / housemates are out of ear shot and phones / devices are away or off.

Before you share your concern, let your partner know what you would like from them.

Would you like them to listen and reassure you?

Would you like advice?

Would you like them to just hear you rant and agree with you?

Would you like to come up with some solutions together?

Providing some information about what response you are seeking, will set you up for receiving what you want.

Read this blog if you would like some more ideas on how to have productive communication.

For the person listening:

See if you can just listen to your partner without talking it personally. Even if they are making a complaint about the relationship, can you do your very best to stay undefended and really hear them?

Often, the person sharing might just want to be understood. There is nothing you really need to do here apart from provide them your full attention.

A dynamic that I see a lot in my counselling room is where one person wants to be listened to and validated, and the other person jumps into ‘fixing’ and solutions.

People who are more logic minded often hear a partner sharing a concern, and because they love their partner, want to find a way to fix the issue as soon as possible.

But for people who are more emotionally focused, this feels like their partner is not really listening.

Due to the ways young children are socialised, once they’ve reached adulthood, women can often want to talk to be validated and heard, and men are often thinking of how to fix things. However I’ve seen this dynamic switched in man / woman couples, and I’ve seen it plenty of times in same sex couples.

If this resonates with you, have a watch of this funny skit that really highlights the different ways of communicating:

 If you’d like some ideas on how to listen to validate, the below video is a coaching video that shows ‘listening to fix’ then ‘listening to validate’ so you can get a feel for the difference.

These skills can also be learnt with a therapist that specialises in couple work.

One of the most common reasons that individuals and couples seek out a sex therapist, is that they are not having much or any sexual intimacy.

Some people are A-sexual, meaning they don’t feel sexual desire and that’s just how they are, but for people who are not A-sexual, maintaining a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship is hoped for and expected.

Is this Normal?

It is a myth that couples in long-term relationships don’t have great sex and regular sex. ‘Regular’ is whatever feels good for the people involved. For some once a week is perfect, for others once or twice a month is just fine. Others like to have sex a few times a week. It is not that common for people in long-term relationships to have daily sex, life is just too busy! But if all parties enjoy daily sex and can find time, that’s fabulous too!

Are you enjoying the sex you are having?

More important than frequency of sex is the quality of sex, as Emily Nagoski, author of the fantastic book ‘Come As You Are’ says “Pleasure is the Measure”.

Couples in long-term relationships are often having amazing sex, but it does take effort to prioritise and make space for pleasure, as well as investing the relationship.

In the book ‘Magnificent Sex’ by Kleinplatz & Menard, they share quotes from older couples in long-term relationships who speak about sex improving in older age. Reasons they suggest include learning to talk about what they like and want, being more willing to put effort in to have magnificent sex and not focusing on the goal of orgasms and intercourse, instead just enjoying the ride. If you need some inspiration to make sex more intentional, have a look at this blog on bringing some tantric practices into your sex life.

And remember that there are many ways to be intimate that are not sexual. Check out this blog about 5 types of intimacy.

Common experiences for the partner that wants less sex.

They often say they ‘want to want’, and wish they had more interest and desire. This person might feel obligated to have sex, but not really be engaging in sexual intimacy for themselves. The pressure to be more sexual can create anxiety, which is counter-productive and makes them feel like even less sex.

Common experiences for the partner who wants more sex.

They often feel rejected and over time take it personally. The situation starts to affect their confidence. Feeling desired by your partner can feel very validating and good for your self-esteem, when you are not getting that, it is hard to not take it personally.

Reasons some people may stop having sex with their partner.

1. Too much closeness can neutralise desire.

For a successful long-term relationship, you need to feel close and connected to your partner, you need to feel like good friends. However too much closeness can make you feel like extensions of each other and not individuals, and this can dampen the passion that is needed to fuel desire. Finding a balance of closeness and separateness is an art. Quality of connection when you are together at times is crucial, not just rushing around each other managing a busy household. Quality ‘me time’ is also crucial. Lack of excitement in your sexual interactions can dull desire, if you always do exactly the same things in the same order it gets boring. Check out Ester Perel’s great book ‘Mating in Captivity’ for ideas on keeping desire alive in long-term relationships.

2. Identity

Sometimes passionate sex might be associated subconsciously with different ideas about yourself and the other person. There is a cultural trope about ‘good girls’ being the ones you marry and have kids with, and ‘bad girls’ being the ones you have sex with before the relationship or outside of the relationship. This may be an unconscious influence for some men, however lack of desire in a relationship is not gendered. Some people may feel too shy to really let go and enjoy sex deeply and fully with their long-term partner, it’s too exposing and vulnerable. They can only do this with someone they don’t know very well. Others may not have much access to the sexually liberated parts of themselves once they are ‘committed’ or once kids come along and they now see themselves as parents rather than also lovers.

3. Health and Mental Health

Changes in sexual desire and sexual functioning can be symptoms of physical ill-health. Be sure to have a full check-up with your Dr if you are noticing changes. Mental Health challenges also have a big impact on sexual desire. If you are anxious or depressed, sexual intimacy may be the last thing on your mind. There are lots of ways to cope with mental health challenges that can be taught to you by a counsellor, or you may be ready to do some deeper healing work such as EMDR Therapy.

(Have a look at this blog to learn more about EMDR).

4. Resentment

Another big impact on sexual desire is resentment. Are past infidelities still causing resentment? Does one partner hold most of the mental load of running the household? If so, no wonder they are not that interested in sex, it can feel like another thing on the to do list!

(Find out more about the mental load with this blog).

5. Porn use and / or excessive masturbation.

Partnered sex takes effort, and masturbating with or without using porn is a quick fix to feel good. There is nothing wrong with this. Porn is great entertainment, and its use is not a reliable indicator of a less satisfying sexual relationship with a partner. However, if porn is used excessively, and is someone’s only way to relax- it can lead to laziness and become a substitute for partnered sex. If there is motivation to have more partnered sex, and the person desiring less sex is masturbating frequently, choosing to masturbate less may increase desire for partnered sex.

What can we do Do?

It is important to seek help regarding your unique situation as a couple. The ideas above are just a few common presentations, and each person and couple’s situation is different. If you are ready to try and find your way back to each other sexually, there are two approaches.

Sensual Touch Exercises

As counterintuitive as it might sound, for couples that have stopped having much sex and are stuck in a cycle of pursue / rejection, stopping sexual activity all together can have a wonderful effect, similar to ‘turning the computer off and then on again’ when you have IT issues. It restarts things and refreshes the system.

I encourage couples to commit to a few weeks or more where they promise that there will not be sexual touch. Instead, they will commit and dedicate themselves to showing up at least once a week, to enjoy some sensual touch, without pressure.

Sensual practice sessions;

A great activity to do at least once a week comes from Betty Martin’s work on the ‘Wheel of Consent’. It is called the 3 minute game. She describes 4 aspects of giving and receiving touch. Giving- doing something for our partner’s pleasure. Receiving- enjoying being touched by our partner. Taking- touching our partner for our own pleasure. Allowing- receiving touch that is for our partner’s pleasure, but still consensual and enjoyable for us. A great example that my Sexology Supervision Lynda Carlyle gave me is about breasts.

A partner with breasts might not experience a great deal of pleasure from their breasts being touched, but their partner might really LOVE touching them. The person with breasts is allowing, it feels nice enough, but they could take it or leave it. They allow themselves to receive this touch for their partner’s pleasure who is in the ‘taking’ role.

Or a non-sexual example might be going to visit your in-laws. It’s an okay visit, but there are other things you would rather be doing, but because you care about your partner, you go along, your partner receives pleasure from being with their family, and you allow it, you go along with it for your partner’s pleasure.

 Here’s the Game:

 One person asks both questions first.

1. What would you like me to do to you for your pleasure? (giving / receiving)
2. What would you like to do to me, for your pleasure? (talking / allowing).

Ask Qu 1. Negotiate what you would like to do, set the timer for 3 mins and enjoy. Then the same person asks Qu 2. set the timer for 3mins and enjoy, then the other person asks the questions.

Do the game with sensual or platonic touch only, as described above for a few weeks. This game can build back playfulness, after a few times may reduce awkwardness and can build longing and authentic non-pressured ‘wanting’.

After you have completed 4 rounds of 3 minutes, have a chat about what felt comfortable and what has more challenging? Are you good at receiving but feel weird taking? Are you always in allowing, and ‘giving’ was a stretch?

More information:

https://bettymartin.org/how-to-play-the-3-minute-game/

 Have fun practicing, and if you need more support please book a session.