Good couple communication isn’t just for when you are in conflict. A great relationship is built upon deep connection, and if you are only talking about what you did during the day, what jobs are needed around the house or what the kids or the pets are doing or needing, you are missing out on conversational intimacy.

Conversational Intimacy is built through deep and meaningful discussions. Those moments where you are genuinely curious about what your partner thinks and feels about something, and you feel the same interest back from them.

36 Questions to Fall in Love:

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What could constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner (the person you are dating) appear to have in common?

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10, If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else what would you want to know?

2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

4. What do you value most in a friendship?

5. What is your most treasured memory?

6. What is your most terrible memory?

7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

8. What does friendship mean to you?

9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner (the person you are dating). Share a total of 5 items.

11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

1. Make 3 true ‘we’ statements each. For instance “We are both in this room feeling…”

2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

7. Tell your partner something that you love about them already?

8. What if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? What haven’t you told them yet?

10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, as your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Rather than being one fixed personality, what if you were made up of lots of different parts? Like subpersonalities inside of you, your own inner family. Most of us relate to this quite intuitively- for example, maybe a part of you loves going to work, being successful and gets meaning from that. Another part of you hates going to work, and much prefers to veg out on the couch. Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps us to understand that being multiple is the natural human experience. We are born with parts, and we also born with a core Self- that is curious, connected, compassionate- who you are when there are no problems to solve.

To learn more about IFS, click here.

Common parts:

Protective parts that try to avoid pain by  managing and controling life- they do this through roles such as perfectionism, worrying, people pleasing, overthinking, organising, planning, self-critic, care taking, controlling, complaining, planning, rule enforcing, achieving, learning, skepticism etc. They can get intense- they take their job very seriously- they say ‘never again will I feel that pain’. 

Reactive parts that help to reduce pain once it’s felt. These parts numb, avoid, distract, distance, fight, fix, run. They do this through things like lashing out at others, engaging in distracting behaviours such as social media, porn, affairs, shoppping. They numb through drugs, alcohol, dissociation, self harm. They don’t worry about the damage they cause, they do whatever it takes to stop the pain. IFS calls these parts ‘FireFighters’. 

Young Parts that hold the pain. No matter how ‘perfect’ your childhood, you had times of feeling sad, bad, ashamed, scared and blamed as a kid. If we are supported in these times, we move through it without a problem. But when we experience these moments and don’t have the resources to cope (regardless of how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the experience was), we have to exile the pain away- so that we can get on with life and survive. These ‘exile parts’ are usually young, and are sent to the metaphorical basement of our psyche- with the door held firmly shut- so that we are not flooded with emotion that we can’t cope with. It is the job of our manager parts to make sure the door stays locked, and if any pain leaks out- it is our FireFighter parts that lock the exiles back up again. 

Just like many families- it is common for parts to be in conflict- they can have different concerns, fears and hopes. Usually when we get to know them, we see that they all have a similar goal- usually they are just trying to help you feel seen, safe, soothed, secure and loved.

A journal exercise to get to know a part.

If you are feeling upset, activated or triggered in any way- you know that a part is acting on your behalf. IFS calls this ‘getting blended with a part’. 

Take 2 different coloured pens- write the questions below in one colour, and move to the other colour to answer. See if you can let the part answer for itself as you write- rather than from an intellectual or ‘working out part’. Just see what comes.

Try to ask the questions from a space of open curiousity. If there is another part that is critical, angry or unwelcoming to the part you are getting to know- see if they can relax back a bit. If not- perhaps that part needs some time with you first. 

1. Hello part of me that (does the thing) eg. gets angry, is anxious, is pushing my partner away.

2. How would you like to be referred to, do you have a name?

3. What sort of situations or moments do you usually show up in?

4. What feelings are going on when you take over?

5. What sort of things do you say to me?

6. What do you do to my body?

7. What do you most want for me?

8. What do you wish I knew about you?

9. What do you need from me?

When all questions have been answered, place a hand on the body- where it feels right- and if possible, thank the part for sharing with you.

If you are enjoying getting to know parts, or are curious to go deeper, feel free to book a session with Ella to explore more.